The last few days in WS have been quiet. Virtually no one has been in. As I prayed before going out today I decided that I would pray as I walked and ask God to bless anyone who made eye contact with me. Today the old crowd were there and as people entered I prayed that God would bless each person. I normally pray, but today I prayed with specifics and decided to step out of my security cage and put myself in the midst of where people would be if they came in.

My way of working in the past has been waiting to be invited. This morning as I prayed in the cathedral I came to a realisation that I have been invited to sit in this area numerous times and that it is unnatural to keep waiting for another invite. I had been invited and now this was a space I could feel free to sit in. In fact, to not sit there could now give the impression that I did not value the people that are there.

Yesterday was an interesting time in WS.

I have now been going for nearly a year. All through that time there has been one guy who looks through me and, if I am honest, scares the sh** out of me because he is large, loud, abusive and I pretty much reckon he could flatten anyone who crosses his path. I constantly remind myself that he is created in the image of God like everyone else, although he may well choose to disagree.

Yesterday this guy, who banters with lots of people, shouted to me from across the bar ‘I want to join your ****ing church! I want to join your church cos you are always ****ing here!’ he then went on to make a joke that I had a recording of me in the confessional and when I left I just restarted the tape recorder – which was pretty funny.

I say this was an amazing day because this is a new start, the start of a new direction in my interaction with this man. We may not communicate again for a few more months as he may decide to look through me again; he may chose never to speak to me again, but this was the start of something different in hoe he views me being there, and possibly in how he views the church and maybe even how he views God if God is a possibility in his mind. Being shouted at and being able to enter into some banter is a step on the road to being accepted by this guy.

I left the cathedral this morning asking God to show me new stuff and lead me. I never have expectations of what to do – by that I mean I am not going out to try and convert people, or preach to people, or answer questions or even to look for oppotunities to share my faith- but simply I go out to look to see where God’s Kingdom is leaking into our world and how God is stirring people that he knows far more than I do, and loves far more than I will ever be able to.

There really is nothing else I can do – apart from ensure I don’t sneak back into the illusionary cage of freedom.

Following my post last week of the tension I was feeling about interacting with different groups of people and wanting all to feel valued and none to feel I was moving away, a great person took the time to give me a call, to offer advice from her perspective of growing up in a pub with landlords as parents and then praying with me over the phone. It’s good to have such top friends.

The advice, in the main, was to act as a kind of spiritual landlord in the place – being part of many groups but owned by none. She suggested spending time with groups and moving around from one to the other. After praying with me the advice was to take up this challenge and see myself in this role and ‘wander’.

I have been thinking this through and wondering how I could adapt this advice, in a way that is natural to me and the way in which I operate. It may be a surprise to many that I am, actually, quite a shy person and moving to a new group and looking for a way to speak with people is always a challenge. In many ways the sitting and waiting has suited me very well as it means I have to respond rather than instigate. I guess the relationships I am developing now need me to be a little more proactive to show I value the people I have started to get to know. If I now just go and sit elsewhere, or always wait for yet another invite, it will just come across as rude and disinterest.

On Friday I gave it a little try as Friday is a particular day I feel this tension as I have a choice of 4 groups of people I could sit and chat with. I sat with the group of daily’s and mentioned that I wanted to catch up with other people when they came in. I felt this kind of prepared the way for me to be able to move from the group at a later point in the morning. This proved to be the case.

In fact, the advice to move, worked so well that on Friday I was actually in WS from 10.30 until 3 – that’s actually longer than I am in the cathedral for on a Sunday! I only left because I had already agreed to meet someone somewhere else.

It was also helpful to have my friend Nik join me for lunch as this instigated the third move which seemed to produce a surprise as that gave opportunity for a bloke I had only met the day before to ask if he could join us. I look back on the reception I used to receive here, and think this is pretty amazing! In addition, this particular incident reminded me how important it is to be flexible and available – I was just getting ready to leave at 2.00pm, but this guy wanted to join Nik and I and so we stayed for another hour chatting – as I said we could have chatted longer but I had to go and meet someone else (which was also an excellent time and a conversation I felt privileged to be part of!)

I still think this needs more thinking through, but early signs are leading me to think this was quite good advice from my friend who shall remain nameless – but is an excellent youth worker and evangelist based with Chislehurst YFC!

Following on from my previous post I have noticed something in the last 2 weeks. After months and months of sitting alone, watching, waiting and attempting to discern what God is doing around the place I have gradually come to realise that I now have conflicting choices, not quite spoilt for choice, but nearly – and that has hit me as a surprise.

It has taken a long time to make the small step that I have made but I have now got to a stage where I am conscious that if I sit with one group of people that results in me not being able to sit amongst another group. It seems I now need to develop some plan of being able to share my time which is a situation I never thought would arise. It seems odd to think that I now need to think about who I sit with to spend some time with, it was not long ago that my prayer was something along the lines of ‘Lord, please don’t let today be another day when I’m invisible!’

I have noticed this as an issue for the last 2 or 3 weeks. There are two distinct sets of people who I see over the week. There are the daily regulars who are just that, in before I arrive (1030ish) and still there when I leave at 12/1ish. In addition are the twice a week regulars who come at 11ish and are usually gone by 1.

Up to recently, for some reason I have developed relationships best with the twice a week regulars as they tend to come alone, or in couples and conversations have naturally developed as we all tend to sit in the quieter part of the building and people have naturally talked. I have been privileged in that I have come to know and share a lot of the stories with these individuals and couples. I have been trusted with stories, concerns and fears and pray for this group of people and their concerns regularly.

The last few weeks, though, on arrival a chair has been pulled out for me amongst the daily regulars. The group can be large and so it would not be natural (I don’t think) to sit there without some form of invitation. If nothing else, because the group are daily regulars they give off the aura of being very comfortable there and, whether they know/mean it or not, you get the distinct impression that this is their part of the pub. Although I can feel quite vulnerable here sometimes it’s a real honour to hear the stories of these guys and be part of their conversation for the day.

I am logging this for my own personal reflection as much as for comments from others – but I know some of you out there are involved in similar work and wonder whether you have anything to add to this.

Today has been another day of stories. I hooked up in the pub this morning with two older guys whom I have not had major chats with. It started as an awkward situation with the bloke who invited me to sit down then disappeared after 30 minutes leaving me and the other guy that does not usually chat with me.

After some awkwardness and staring out the window we started to chat about some stuff and started to share some stories. Soon another older guy joined us and the stories started to flow in quite an amazing way. It’s incredible how many stories these people have to share. They seem to enjoy telling me but also seem to enjoy hearing the stories of others.

I was very conscious today that a simple one to one situation can be quite intimidating for the person sitting with me. It atmosphere seems far more relaxed when the man in the dog collar is out numbered by others, even if it is only by one other joining the group. As soon as we decrease in number to an equality thing the body language displays a clear discomfort with the situation.

In this scenario I find it hard to work out the best thing to do. I understand totally reasons for not wanting to be seen sitting in a pub with a vicar on your own – lots of mickey taking and/or questions could well flow after I leave.

So … what should I do? Do I sit and hope and pray that some one else will join us soon as did happen today? Do I decide to leave after what seems an acceptable time? I have difficulty with that last suggestion as, although the situation is awkward and uncomfortable for both of us, it does seems just rude to go. I’d have to leave the place altogether – obviously I could not move to another table!

I understand that it is better for me to push through the discomfort, and I am prepared to. But do I have a right to inflict that discomfort upon another person? It’s a question or situation that does not seem to have an easy solution – so come on, in the words of one of the worlds best ever bands, ‘you’ve got to let me know … should I stay or should I go?!’

Today has been another pretty normal, but incredible, day.

I had a chance of sitting with the guys at the local again today and we entered into some good conversations about life. One of them came to the ordination service and apparently that has been a topic of conversation for the guys while I have not been around. The ‘event’ seems to have intrigued them and seems to be causing a lot more conversations.

As I said the other day … everything has changed, and yet nothing has.

I am still the same person, I still visit the same places, I still feel pretty much the same; but … something does seem to have changed in my relationship with these people. It may be my imagination, and it may be wishful thinking or just a case of looking too hard; but it does feel like some line has been crossed.

Lots more people seem to want to talk. Today someone shared some family photos with me after I joined their group. I am still not sure if this is acceptance into the group (I’m not too sure what acceptance would look like?) but this, combined with being allowed to buy drinks for people and having drinks bought for me, does seem to mean I am at least somewhere on that road of acceptance. I am not fully part of their group in their eyes, but I am no longer excluded and on the outside.

A friend pointed me recently to the end of Mandela’s autobiography where he writes about his life journey going up a hill. He pauses to look behind him and he realises that he has come a great distance. But as he turns to continue to look forward he realises that there are many other hills he has yet to climb….

I’m currently wondering what hills there will be to climb over the next few months