Seems I’m on the move …

IMG_0426Seems something new is happening.
An announcement was made today.
I’m on the move to St Barnabas.

I’m really excited and very daunted and sad at leaving Greenwich but hopeful of great things in Newham. A move in any type of ministry or work always produces mixed emotions I think. When I visited I loved the place and could picture myself there … and they seem to like me so I believe this is going to be quite exciting. And daunting! But I think I already said that!

Anyway … I don’t move until the end of July / beginning of August with a view to a September start …. so until then I’m continuing seeking God’s way here.

More of this at a later date I am sure …

life with tears

mark2-20180412155052320_webI was moved to tears when I read this article from the Church Times on Saturday morning. Mark Edwards is interviewed on his book ‘Life After care: From Lost Cause to MBA’. The title makes it obvious this is a story about the struggle that continues into adult life when you experience rejection from parents, or in Mark’s case, being taken into care away from his parents.

Mark shows courage in his sharing his story and there are some lines that particularly resonate …
“I have experienced the dark night of the soul. And sometimes I haven’t felt worthy of being a priest‘, and experiencing “bouts of depression that left him curled up like a baby’ as well as outlining childhood ‘fear when locked in a cupboard by foster carers’.

It’s hard to imagine, I think, if you’ve not been there what the effect of such experiences can be in a persons ongoing life. Mark sums this up, I believe, in a really truthful statement … when he admits that even today being asked to trust someone causes him to ‘bristle’.

I get this because when people who should naturally love you (in my case both parents) let you down and, worse, hurt you then trust for anyone and anything can be a real challenge. In fact I find sometimes that it can be near to impossible …. despite the overwhelming evidence that is there of love or approval and support from that  person, trusting in them or it seems a chasmous step. So much so that often when in a  ‘trust situation’, I have heard in my head  the words ‘well if my own mum couldn’t …. then why would I expect you too?!’

I think we can easily overlook this in church, believing that a faith in Jesus heals this and therefore should allow the person to move on …. it does, but not instantly, not completely, and not always. The image I have found most helpful and light giving in my darkest times are of the scarred Christ … the Christ in heaven with the open wounds in his hands, feet and side.

I believe I am healed, I am risen, but I also know that I still carry the scars … and if the scabs on those injuries are knocked or picked they can start to bleed again.

For Mark, as with others, he talks of people that believed in him, of people that gave time to him, of people thats saw the potential and saw what he could be if given some space, trust and support. I relate strongly to that and have many people that have been those time and permission givers to me.

As tears rolled down my cheeks reading through the article one of Mark’s statements jumped out and hit me …

Today, as Team Vicar of Christ the King, comprising Brunswick, Brunton Park, Dinnington, and North Gosforth, in the diocese of Newcastle, he considers himself to be in recovery, and determined to live in the present.

This is central to his prescription, as is taking responsibility for one’s actions. “I played the victim so long, I didn’t know how to be anything else,” he reflects. “There came a point when I had to stop blaming my past for bad decisions I was making in the present.”

It is a daily choice to make.
It is a difficult one.
It’s the right and necessary one.

Reading the article, wondering on my own situation has brought a few bubbling questions …

As church, as people, how do we allow people to make that step from victim?
How do we support those inside and outside our churches who don’t have that firm solid bedrock of loving parents that were supposed to look after them and give them that sure start?
Are there things that we do that actually make it worse, that keep people as victims?
Do we expect people to ‘move on’ when they have ‘found’ Jesus?
Do we support our leaders who struggle?
Are there people we should be giving time to?
Do we look for potential or for perfection?Do … are … how …can …what …

Lots of questions … and I’m sure lots more …. discuss …

Poor Clare

When I was in Seattle it was a joy to experience Lacey’s music and style of leading worship …. Lacey writes great songs with meaningful lyrics (personally I don’t think you can say that for a lot of contemporary worship stuff today).

I love this song ‘I stand with you’ because as Lacey says: ‘This song was written in response to the perpetual injustice faced by marginalized peoples of society. We stand with you. God stands with you.”

Check out the song and check out Poor Clare too. While you are there maybe spend some money too …

wonderment?

IMG_0414Sometimes I find myself in some incredibly diverse places which causes me to ponder life, where I am, what I am doing and how I got there. Sometimes those spaces stretch my mind to some limits …

So earlier in the week, as you know, I was at a seminar day considering mission and poverty. I found the day hard hitting and challenging and came away with a refreshed vision to serve in new ways.  I got angry over statistics of the mistreatment of people. I remember scenes growing up on my council estate in the early Thatcher years … but that poverty I was part of was nothing to what I was hearing on that day.

Then came last night …. as I attended the 386th Annual Feast of Sion College, held in the amazing surroundings of Clothworkers’ Hall. We had amazing company and speakers, glorious food and wonderful wine. It was a black tie event and I dressed accordingly. I did think about the comments I would have from my childhood friends! How on earth did a council estate boy from Weymouth end up here sitting next to a wonderful guy with ‘Sir’ at the start of his name?!

It was a painful contrast to the subject matter of Tuesday. I thoroughly enjoyed the night and seem to be able to hold the two extremes in some tension … but I am not sure I should be able to? Is it that I am missing something here? It’s true to say that in what has been quite a tough year, Sion College itself, and new friends I have found within it have been immensely supportive and encouraging. And as I said, I thoroughly enjoy being part of this college and having my mind stretched by the quality of our speakers.

How can I get so angry at the injustice of the need for food banks and homeless shelters while sipping wine and eating amazing food in the plush surroundings of the hall we were in last night? I want to say that the conversations we have, the links we make, the things we learn encourage and enable us to step out from those places to make a difference in our individual parts of the world …. but am I kidding myself?

mission and poverty

d80c85d9a52f31d50e95720fe8551db1Today I have spent the day with others in the diocese at seminar day on ‘Mission and Poverty’. We had four great speakers; Capt Nick Russel, Fr Paul Butler, Fr Andrew Moughton Mumby and Bishop Karowei. Each of them brought something distinctive, challenging and rich, based entirely on their experience and ministry in the areas they are set in. I recognised in particular that each of them had been in their parishes for more than 10 years (Bishop Karowei was in his parish for around 12 before he became bishop last year).

So …. this isn’t a short term thing!
Nick suggested that to the question of what does mission look like here, then it is best summed up in the words ‘practical love’ … and I think he is totally correct. He spoke a little of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which made laods of sense t be some 30 something years ago when I studied that as a hopeful teacher. Before people can think of transient issues their material needs have to be met. I agree, but on reflection need to ask are the poor and destitute in the majority world then not able to worship … I’m not sure that is true … so although I agree, I am wrestling with what is happening here?

Paul’s words challenged me further as he passionately spoke of gospel values, and asking that of we follow them should there be need in our churches if it is all about sharing and the common life? It’s a hard hitting question that you can’t really shy away from. ‘Go sell your posessions’ says Jesus to the rich guy …. that’s pretty hard hitting teaching! It’s kinda there in black and white ….

Andrew challenged us to think about how we encourage indigenous leadership in our locations and suggested that maybe long courses of study are not quite the direction we should be going in. He also wondered aloud whether when we ask ‘how much will this cost?’ or ‘what is the cheapest way to do this bit of mission?’ we are making money into an idol.

Bishop Karowei rounded off the day by reminding us that all are created in the image of God and that God is for all, loves all, and is interested in all. I think we would have a discussion on God’s preferential for the poor which is where I think I am coming from.

The day was an excellent day … I met new people, we had great discussions, I’ve come away inspired to read stuff again and questioning how I can look at my area with different eyes …. I’ve also been tearful at hearing stories of real life people suffering in this city and know we have to do something … thanks Fr Ian for sorting this out!

I think podcasts of the talks will be put online soon … i’ll link to them when they are up.

 

 

do you want to be part of something exciting ….

IMG_1662well you can

Please support us at Dekhomai this year
If you’ve followed my blog for any length of time you will know that as Dekhomai we attend the MBS fair at Olympia each year.

The stand is really expensive … and loads of other people charge amounts like £50 for ‘stuff’ … but at Dekhomai we offer everything we do …. listening, healing prayer, Jesus Deck and Ruach card readings, blessings ….. all for free ….. it’s God’s stuff anyway so how on earth could we charge!?

But …. we still need to pay the fee for the stand …. so if you donate on our just giving page here you can help us be there again this year

I’ve written lots over the years about the vibrancy and missional opportunity of this place … you can read one such post from a couple of years ago:

Wow!
Just wow!
Today I have been amazed.
Stunned.
I shouldn’t be.
But I am.

Stunned that God can use some cards to speak powerfully into the lives of people.
Incredibly powerfully.
To real people.
read more here

Please … donate here so we can be part of this again

 

fitting in is over rated

CMS open daysI am really enjoying being on the CMS MA course for pioneers. I love the teaching we are engaged in, and I love being part of my year group who are all engaged in creative and amazing ways in God’s mission in their particular communities. I also love being part of this group that recognises we are all just human, good and bad at different stuff … and all united under a feeling, and a reality, that we don’t often feel we ‘fit in’. I feel I ‘fit’ with this group! But …as the title says …

I love the whole course … until it gets to this time of the year when the sun is shining and I need to knuckle down, read books and produce something. Assignments for this course are interesting and fun as well though … recently we had to carry out some ethnographic research and present our findings, and currently I am putting together an essay with a title that asks me to look at symbolism and myth in my choice of a film, novel or piece of art and consider how that might inform my understanding of mission. There were other great titles too like a discussion of whether Jesus needs to be culturally relevant to be understood.

I’ve gone with the film one as I love film and have been considering for quite a few years of the dialogue that occurs between theology/church/mission and film. If it is true that society now propagates myth through film rather than chatting around the fireside as Dr Telford suggests then I want to grapple with that, delve into that, and use what I gain from that in attempting to engage in my community in a relevant and transformative way.

Anyway … I’m not sharing that so you now what I am writing about …. I am sharing my enthusiasm for this course because it is an AMAZING course …. and if you are looking for a course to be really engaging, creative and challenging in a good way then I want to recommend this course to you. Another bonus is, as well, that the course is significantly cheaper than some MA’s out there. There are other pioneer courses with CMS too … check them out. 

You can see the prospectus here … ‘fitting in is overrated’ and there is an Open Day coming up on 21 May …. if you can’t make that this flyer gives more dates. be great to see you joining ….

Suffusing soul?

IMG_0301Most of you who read this blog will know by now that I subscribe to Richard Rohr’s daily thoughts. Some of you will have subscribed yourself and some of you have been meaning to for a while …. and others have expressed there freedom to not subscribe.

As with all ‘stuff’ sometimes the words of the thought really resonate, sometimes they are way off mark and you forget them quickly, sometimes they challenge and sit .. and you don’t quite no why.  Today is a day when the words are just there and do not shift … even though I am in the midst of essay writing, the words of this morning’s thought keep winding their way back into my conscious thoughts.

In a post about listening to our bodies, Richard Rohr quotes these words from John O’Donohue:

Your mind can deceive you and put all kinds of barriers between you and your nature; but your body does not lie. Your body tells you, if you attend to it, how your life is and if you are living from your soul or from the labyrinths of your negativity. . . . The human body is the most complex, refined, and harmonious totality.

Your body is, in essence, a crowd of different members who work in harmony to make your belonging in the world possible. . . . The soul is not simply within the body, hidden somewhere within its recesses. The truth is rather the converse. Your body is in the soul. And the soul suffuses you completely.

As I said, I don’t really know why they are sitting and hitting today … but there is something in that image of body being a ‘crowd of different members’ working in harmony. An ordered harmonious crowd is quite a challenging image to grasp.

It’s a bizarre image, but a deeply provocative and maybe even disconcerting image of who we are …. and that image of soul …. I’m not even sure I can grasp what that means entirely, and what the implications are for how I be myself …. but I will continue to contemplate and see what arises ….

healing hurts

IMG_0352Today I was required to talk.
With a counsellor I decided today was the day to talk about the stuff of my childhood, to revisit the pain of a pretty crap upbringing. An upbringing where the people that should have loved me never seemed to be able to have the capacity to do so. In fact this person did a very good job of telling my brother and myself what horrible, poor, evil individuals we were. Sadly, we were to alone as two little boys, then and others now, who grow/grew up believing that to be true.

So why do I share a little here?
As well s a cathartic exercise I simply hope it is of support to some.
Today I was heard but talking about actual stuff that happened was still incredibly painful. You would think that after so many years, 40 or there about, that the pain would be less and easier to cope with.
It isn’t.

Today was exhausting but helpful.
I shared and heard no comments and received just a listening ear. An ear that passed no judgement, a person that didn’t offer solutions …. because there are no words or solutions that can make any difference. My biggest wish as a child, and even now, was that I could have had parents who cared, who loved, who put me first … just once. That will never happen and no word can comfort that wish away. Friends and wider family members have tried to be helpful by explaining that God is the perfect parent … and yes that is true … but it isn’t the same, and it doesn’t help.
It really doesn’t.
Neither do scripture verses of hope and God working through all things for good purpose.

I guess I am sharing this now because today helped ….. for the first time in ages it helped … and I guess I was reminded that when talking or listening to people that carry stuff …. then when it is re-spoken of it can be helpful to acknowledge that the pain all comes rushing back, as if it is being done again, fresh, just like it was … not even ‘like it was yesterday’ … but very much today. It may be uncomfortable for us to sit without comment, and we may have an urge to help with words, but sometimes a response does  not help.

Healing hurts … but it can really help if we just have time to listen, to accept, and to sit with … without the need to share, or empathise, or solutionise (my new word!) … but just sit and rest with the person for a little while.

I am being healed … as the overwhelming majority of people are …. quite often slowly … and today I have been reminded that as we sit together, with each other, we can in some mysterious way sit with each others pain … passing no comment …. breaking through the awkwardness of the vacuous silence ,,,,, and that is alright …. very alright. It is truly divinely human

Throughout all of this I have found this from Malling Abbey to be a connection

In the stilled silence
mind heart and soul
wait upon God
reach out God
not thinking
not asking
not doing
just waiting
stilled upon
God

I have also been following the CMS #missionis 40 day retreat. The very first one spoke of mission being ‘the healing of everything’ Maybe one way some of us can all be involved in this aspect is by sharing and holding together … maybe.

Anyway … to those that have sat with me …. thank you … loads.

the Easter cliffhanger

khoraanasBelow is our Easter message to our community …. based on, Mark 16, one of the possible gospel readings for Easter Day:

I like the easter Sunday gospel reading from Mark.
Matthew gives this account with earthquakes and lightning.
It was amazing!
Luke tells us Jesus appeared and disappeared and went up to heaven.
It was amazing!
John tells us Jesus could walk through locked doors into their meetings.
It was amazing.
In Mark …. nothing happens!
The woman turn up,
they see a young man in white, (Mark doesn’t even tell us he’s an angel!)
he tells them Jesus has risen ….
and they go away too afraid to tell anybody!
No earthquakes, no splendorous beings, no walking through doors,
nothing happens  …

it’s all very ordinary.

So … on this Easter day … which this year corresponds with  April Fools Day …. Mark presents a very ordinary account … no tricks, no gimmicks, no fooling around …. just the plain and simple good news that Jesus has risen from the dead!

There is no embellishment here
No blinging it up
nothing … absolutely nothing other the than the plain facts in front of them
allowing the quality of the occurrence to speak for itself

Jesus was dead
Now Jesus is risen

So why doesn’t Mark tell us more?
Why doesn’t he describe more than he does.
I believe the simple answer is … he can’t.
It’s never happened before ….
No one has ever experienced a resurrection before …
so he doesn’t know how to explain it
Instead
He lets the story speak for itself

Why?
And why do I think this is  is appropriate today?
I believe Mark is making a bold statement here
And I wonder if the reaction of the women is backing this up
They run away terrified
could this be because they are beginning to realise  the consequences of what is happening

This was Jesus
Son of God
the Messiah
who was dead … they know this … they were there
they thought all had failed

But …. now he is alive
and if that’s true …. they realise that some awesome power has been released into the whole of creation.

Maybe Mark focusses on the ordinary elements of the story so that we don’t freak out
So that we can grasp the true fact that God is in the everyday
And if God is in our everyday, and the everyday of others, then God may not be that difficult to connect with

And as all good story tellers, Mark leaves space for us to imagine, to ask, to wonder.

Maybe it is that Mark realises that it is not really what we hear or are told that impacts us, but it is what we see and what we feel .. in our hearts … in our bones … and that’s as relevant to understand for us as it is for those beyond our walls that we long to reach

It seems to me … and I hazard a guess here

And you need to consider this with your one study … don’t just believe it because the vicar says so …. go check it out …
but it seems to me that Mark has left this gospel account on a  cliffhanger

I don’t think it’s an accident that Mark ends his gospel at v 8. Scholars reliably tell us the other verses, after verse 8,  were added later, but the jury’s out on whether Mark couldn’t finish for some reason or whether this was planned.

I believe it was planned, mainly because I find that for it to accidentally break here, where we can make a case for intent, is quite revealing.

and these final verses …
well they read like the end of the chapter
with that cliffhanger of what will happen next
and I think that is deliberate
because the story is ongoing
Jesus is STILL risen
and I believe we get to write the next chapter
as people before us have…. and as people after us will

that chapter writes as we journey with God
as we notice what God is doing in our community with a desire to join in

This easter morning nothing happens
But everything changes
Because Jesus lives
Jesus lives in our lives
he  lives in the lives of the creation around us
calling us to be ourselves
to journey with him
in the normal, everyday, sometimes mundane, stuff of life

and it is because it’s normal and everyday
that we know we can
because we are created normal and everyday
filled, called and loved by God

And that is AMAZING!

Amen.