Today I was required to talk.
With a counsellor I decided today was the day to talk about the stuff of my childhood, to revisit the pain of a pretty crap upbringing. An upbringing where the people that should have loved me never seemed to be able to have the capacity to do so. In fact this person did a very good job of telling my brother and myself what horrible, poor, evil individuals we were. Sadly, we were to alone as two little boys, then and others now, who grow/grew up believing that to be true.
So why do I share a little here?
As well s a cathartic exercise I simply hope it is of support to some.
Today I was heard but talking about actual stuff that happened was still incredibly painful. You would think that after so many years, 40 or there about, that the pain would be less and easier to cope with.
Today was exhausting but helpful.
I shared and heard no comments and received just a listening ear. An ear that passed no judgement, a person that didn’t offer solutions …. because there are no words or solutions that can make any difference. My biggest wish as a child, and even now, was that I could have had parents who cared, who loved, who put me first … just once. That will never happen and no word can comfort that wish away. Friends and wider family members have tried to be helpful by explaining that God is the perfect parent … and yes that is true … but it isn’t the same, and it doesn’t help.
It really doesn’t.
Neither do scripture verses of hope and God working through all things for good purpose.
I guess I am sharing this now because today helped ….. for the first time in ages it helped … and I guess I was reminded that when talking or listening to people that carry stuff …. then when it is re-spoken of it can be helpful to acknowledge that the pain all comes rushing back, as if it is being done again, fresh, just like it was … not even ‘like it was yesterday’ … but very much today. It may be uncomfortable for us to sit without comment, and we may have an urge to help with words, but sometimes a response does not help.
Healing hurts … but it can really help if we just have time to listen, to accept, and to sit with … without the need to share, or empathise, or solutionise (my new word!) … but just sit and rest with the person for a little while.
I am being healed … as the overwhelming majority of people are …. quite often slowly … and today I have been reminded that as we sit together, with each other, we can in some mysterious way sit with each others pain … passing no comment …. breaking through the awkwardness of the vacuous silence ,,,,, and that is alright …. very alright. It is truly divinely human
Throughout all of this I have found this from Malling Abbey to be a connection
In the stilled silence
mind heart and soul
wait upon God
reach out God
I have also been following the CMS #missionis 40 day retreat. The very first one spoke of mission being ‘the healing of everything’ Maybe one way some of us can all be involved in this aspect is by sharing and holding together … maybe.
Anyway … to those that have sat with me …. thank you … loads.