life with tears

mark2-20180412155052320_webI was moved to tears when I read this article from the Church Times on Saturday morning. Mark Edwards is interviewed on his book ‘Life After care: From Lost Cause to MBA’. The title makes it obvious this is a story about the struggle that continues into adult life when you experience rejection from parents, or in Mark’s case, being taken into care away from his parents.

Mark shows courage in his sharing his story and there are some lines that particularly resonate …
“I have experienced the dark night of the soul. And sometimes I haven’t felt worthy of being a priest‘, and experiencing “bouts of depression that left him curled up like a baby’ as well as outlining childhood ‘fear when locked in a cupboard by foster carers’.

It’s hard to imagine, I think, if you’ve not been there what the effect of such experiences can be in a persons ongoing life. Mark sums this up, I believe, in a really truthful statement … when he admits that even today being asked to trust someone causes him to ‘bristle’.

I get this because when people who should naturally love you (in my case both parents) let you down and, worse, hurt you then trust for anyone and anything can be a real challenge. In fact I find sometimes that it can be near to impossible …. despite the overwhelming evidence that is there of love or approval and support from that  person, trusting in them or it seems a chasmous step. So much so that often when in a  ‘trust situation’, I have heard in my head  the words ‘well if my own mum couldn’t …. then why would I expect you too?!’

I think we can easily overlook this in church, believing that a faith in Jesus heals this and therefore should allow the person to move on …. it does, but not instantly, not completely, and not always. The image I have found most helpful and light giving in my darkest times are of the scarred Christ … the Christ in heaven with the open wounds in his hands, feet and side.

I believe I am healed, I am risen, but I also know that I still carry the scars … and if the scabs on those injuries are knocked or picked they can start to bleed again.

For Mark, as with others, he talks of people that believed in him, of people that gave time to him, of people thats saw the potential and saw what he could be if given some space, trust and support. I relate strongly to that and have many people that have been those time and permission givers to me.

As tears rolled down my cheeks reading through the article one of Mark’s statements jumped out and hit me …

Today, as Team Vicar of Christ the King, comprising Brunswick, Brunton Park, Dinnington, and North Gosforth, in the diocese of Newcastle, he considers himself to be in recovery, and determined to live in the present.

This is central to his prescription, as is taking responsibility for one’s actions. “I played the victim so long, I didn’t know how to be anything else,” he reflects. “There came a point when I had to stop blaming my past for bad decisions I was making in the present.”

It is a daily choice to make.
It is a difficult one.
It’s the right and necessary one.

Reading the article, wondering on my own situation has brought a few bubbling questions …

As church, as people, how do we allow people to make that step from victim?
How do we support those inside and outside our churches who don’t have that firm solid bedrock of loving parents that were supposed to look after them and give them that sure start?
Are there things that we do that actually make it worse, that keep people as victims?
Do we expect people to ‘move on’ when they have ‘found’ Jesus?
Do we support our leaders who struggle?
Are there people we should be giving time to?
Do we look for potential or for perfection?Do … are … how …can …what …

Lots of questions … and I’m sure lots more …. discuss …

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