creative … diverse .. privilege .. unrepeatable

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The weekends are interesting in this new role, as I do not seem to be in one place for too long. That’s great for my ADHD/get bored easily outlook, but it’s not so good for my ‘needing time’ to build relationships with people.

The weekends are, however, great times to remind myself of the creativity and diversity of the church that I serve. Last night saw an amazing youth service in St Mark’s Church. I am privileged to have the role of working with Jess, the youth worker, and others in supporting the development of this service. After having not done youth work for such a long time, having that opportunity again is really like a massive breath of fresh air. The experience is reminding me how much I have missed working with young people over the last four years. Saying that, I would not with to do it full time anymore … but I enjoy this part of my ministry as it is.

In the morning I presided at both the 8am and 10am communion services at St. Mary Magdalene. This is a totally different setting to the youth service of the evening. far more traditional, far more recognisable and yet still such a privilege to be involved in. Serving people who are either seeking God (as one young family I spoke with clearly were) as well as those who are seeking to live out their discipleship in relevant ways is a real honour and privilege to be involved in.

Another great privilege I have is that the clerical, or dog, collar gets you places you might not normally be able to get, such as the hospital out of hours. I was able to visit a special friend and share some great experiences and stories. Special times don’t happen every day and so I love to treasure these moments.

The highlight of the weekend though was one of those father moments … being with my children at Muse on Friday night and watching the entire series of The Band of Brothers with Joe on Saturday … some things just cannot be repeated!

So … four those four words pretty much sum up the weekend …

 

I am enough!

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Following from yesterdays vulnerability post I stumbled across this TED talk from Brene Brown. It’s around 20 minutes in length and an amazing thought provoking talk.

The basis of her talk is that connection is what life is all about. She says. ‘connection gives purpose and meaning to our lives’. That simple statement echoes, for us, the words of God in the Genesis creation account, ‘it is not good for human to be alone’. She goes on to say that we all suffer shame, a fear of disconnection. The only way to avoid this disconnection, says Brown, is to be vulnerable …. to allow ourselves to be fully seen.

But, and this is a massive but, she concludes that many feel unworthy, unvalued, unloved and so we numb our vulnerability, and that as we numb that we numb other senses.

That is not the whole talk … so go listen! (and that will explain the title of this post!)

claiming protection vs embracing vulnerability

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Recently I had a kind of discussion with someone who is passionate about mission whom I admire and respect. In her encouragement of me she said something like ‘get your armour on!’

I thought ‘yes, you are so wise for someone so young, why had I not thought of that!’ But then, after a little while I wondered … and I blog about this because I still wonder and I am not sure. You see, I know I need God’s protection and I know that we are often engaged in a  spiritual battle which we do not fully understand nor are we fully aware of.

But … should I be prayerfully putting armour on as outlined in Ephesians 6? I see this is scripturally correct behaviour …. but is this an instruction for all seasons? I guess my concern is with imagery and the power of imagery. Does a ritual of putting on the ‘armour of God’ cause the mind to take on a seige/battle/confrontational attitude? I fear that it might.

My problem is I am not sure I am called to fight in the role I have at this time. I am not sure that this outlook is helpful in what I do at this stage of doing it. I do know that I am called to be present, to be open. to listen, to get to know people and … all this means (gulp!) that I am called to be vulnerable.

I am not sure how vulnerable I am if I am wearing a suite of armour, even a symbolic one. I wonder if as well as having seasons for wearing armour there are seasons for being vulnerable and simply trusting God alone.

The image I have to illustrate my thoughts are of Arthur and Merlin in the BBC series currently showing here in the UK. King Arthur relies on his armour and battle skills. Merlin, by contrast, wears no armour and carries no weapons, trusting merely in the skills and gifts that his creator has gifted to him.  It’s no surprise that it is Merlin and his wise use of his gifts that often win the day. It’s not a great illustration but it resonates and has tastes of the un-armoured boy David against the heavily armoured Goliath and Jesus who not only has the gifts from the creator but chooses not to use them and allow his sacrifice to happen.

So … claiming protection or embracing vulnerability, what should I do ….. or is there a bit of both needed here?

What do others think? What do other pioneers do as they prepare to ‘go out’ and pioneer. How do you prepare?

At this point in time … my prayer of preparation is borrowed from the Northumberland Community: (which I guess could be viewed as a kind of compromise).

Christ, as a light
illumine and guide me.
Christ, as a shield
overshadow me.
Christ under me;
Christ over me,
Christ beside me
on my left and my right.

This day be within and without me,
lowly and meek, yet all-powerful.
Be in the heart of each to whom I speak;
in the mouth of each who speaks unto me.
This day be within and without me,
lowly and meek, yet all-powerful.
Christ as a light;
Christ as a shield;
Christ beside me
on my left and my right.

a reminder of who I am

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Yesterday I experienced church as family, and it’s quite a humbling experience. It also acted as a reminder to me of how fortunate I am.

As an aside, for a few years I have experienced the ‘blogworld’ as family with a few friends here regularly offering encouraging thoughts and advice. This has been one of the things I have really enjoyed about blogging.

I think one of the things that enables this to happen in the blog world is the honesty and openness with which people write. Yesterday I spoke publicly in a vulnerable honest way … which is not something I would normally do. It was like I transferred my blog writing to speaking … not necessarily a good thing to do.

Yesterday I was surprised to be asked to speak at the end of the church service about what I was now doing. I was unprepared and unscripted.  I don’t like being unprepared and unscripted. It gets me into trouble! As I walked to the front I remember these words going through my head … ‘crap! God … I’m going to have to tell the truth!’ I had no time to prepare a ‘gloss’ to portray and speak from … and so my true thoughts, my real thoughts, were expressed.

I shared the struggles of my work. the frustrations, the fact that sometimes I really do not wish to be here. I shared that I wished I was still in Rochester! I shared I have no idea what I am doing, where I am going, or even if I have made the right choice in being here. Ultimately I shared I was struggling … and although I know this is an important stage, that a struggle nevertheless is hard to cope with. I shared that I wanted to say everything was going well and i would have loved to share some exciting stories …. but …  there were none to share.

Over the last 4/5 years I have developed a very strong thought that we do not talk in the church of the struggles of mission. We love to tells great feel good stories, but we avoid the gritty tensions that seem to undergird much of mission. I have a theory that this glossing over of mission, giving the impression that its all exciting  stuff results in people being shocked when they find out it is hard work. They feel they must be doing something wrong.   They then  become disillusioned and give up. But .. that’s another blog post for another time …

As I was speaking I was conscious of people metaphorically standing with me. After a few minutes people were literally standing around me, surrounded me and prayed for me. That’s fairly normal I guess but it was what happened next that really exhibited the family of St Marks.

After the service people, friends,  just stood with me. There were no words. People did not try to fix it. I have struggled when people try to fix something that is normal and not broken. No one said ‘it will be better soon’. People just encouraged me by accepted me by standing with me. Simple pats on the back, handshakes and hugs from my friends were worth millions of words.

Yesterday that was so important and it served as a massive reminder to me that I am rich in friends … not just at St Marks, but in other places around Medway (on Friday some of my Rochester Deaf Cat friends were equally amazing in their love and care as well) and further beyond too. I even have friends who encourage me via this blog that I ahve not even met!

I have been reminded of how fortunate I am. All I can simply say is thank you … thank you for reminding me of who I am.

missional entrepreneurship

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I went on the CMS Pioneer Missional Entrepreneurship module last year. It was excellent and I can easily say it is one of the best weeks of training that I have ever been on. The mix of people, the setting and calibre of input all combined to make this an amazing week.

You can see what I wrote last year here and, because the was so good I posted twice, also here.

So … if you are tussling with this stuff about missional enterprise or a project it’s worth getting in touch with CMS and booking a place on this years week which is happening in November.

first principles podcast

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The recording of Ian’s talk from his book launch last week is now on the Moot podcast page, along with a link to download a pdf copy of his slides.

… so go listen

and you can but the book here …. go read!

one step forward …

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… and three steps back … is what I expected .. following yesterdays post

In my limited experience (I have only tried this stuff in one other place) after an experience like Monday, when things seem to be going well and you think you are making progress, this is quickly followed by a reality check whereby everything seems to come crashing in and you wonder again where things have got to. This is a normal stage of mission as people express, venture out, retract before trying again.

At this stage in Rochester 4 years ago people were still, in the main, not engaging with me and I often felt I was invisible. In many places in Gillingham that pattern has repeated itself. I think this is partly out of people being unsure of how to deal with the ‘dog collar’ thing as well as the fact that, in the main, many people like to be pretty private when out and about. It does remind me, however, that I soon learned four years ago that I have to be the instigator of any conversation … out of some old respect for the role i publicly do many are uncomfortable for a variety of reasons about talking to ‘a person of the cloth’. By instigating the conversation it is as if I am saying it is ok to talk …. not that I feel I need to, but it does seem that people assume a ‘professional’ person is simply too busy for them. This is pretty similar to what I experienced when I started in Rochester.

This is why I ventured out on Tuesday and today excepting the 1 step forward 3 steps back thing – but it never came. I went out expecting to have very quiet days with little engagement with people … but the opposite seems to have happened. If I’m honest I am kind of confused by that. Yesterday, for example, I was stopped in the High Street with a humourous friendly shout of ‘Oh, don’t speak then!’ This was the call of someone I spoke to a few days ago that wanted to talk more in the middle of the High Street.

For some reason people I have met once seem to be very open and very chatty. There are still hundreds in the High Street to whom I am invisible, which is not a surprise, but there are a handfull of people who are already starting to share their stories with me. That has come as a real surprise. I don’t know what it indicates or what this means for how I exercise my ministry … but it seemed worth making note of.

A possible cause could be due to the portfolio type ministry I have in the Gillingham area. In Rochester I was attached to the cathedral and the High Street… and that was it. In Gillingham I have this collection of stuff at St Marks, St Mary Magdalene, St Mary Island Church, St Mary Island School, governor at Brompton Academy, and the High Street. That means I have six or seven different places or opportunities to come into contact with people. I am visible in different types of spaces … professional spaces such as school, pastoral places of churches and social places of cafes. Some people come across me in 2 or 3 different spaces and I wonder if that is helping a relationship of trust to develop. I wonder …

I have, however, left those rose tinted specs locked in a  drawer somewhere. I still believe the 3 steps back stage will come … it just didn’t come yesterday and hasn’t come today.

a new day … a new week

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Monday was a different day.
A while a go (when I was 18 .. so an age ago!) a good friend gave me a framed print of the saying ‘Today is the First day of the Rest of Your Life’.
Today has felt like that day.
A few things have contributed to this.
Today I cycled to GIllingham rather than drive and in some odd way felt more connected with my surroundings.
I cycled to morning prayer at St Mary Magdalene as I have become acutely aware of how I have missed this reflective/contemplative simple start with others to my day.
Today I loitered in 3 places and in each place there was some form of engagement or discussion.
In those places my coffee was being served before I had a chance to sit down … a possible sign of being welcomed maybe?
Monday was a new day … I wonder what will happen today.

reflecting on last week

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Last week is over and in some ways I am glad. I actually started to write this post on saturday morning but found I was tol drained to think and so it has sat half written for the best part of three days.

As far as the week goes in some ways I wish I had achieved more. It’s been a fairly normal week with disappointments and joys, misreading of situations, expectations not materialising, and missed opportunities.

There have been some surreal moments too. On one occasion last week I was sat in a cafe only to find everyone in the cafe apart from me talking about God. There was a great in-depth conversation going on around me with talk of respect for each other, respect for beliefs, the ‘obviousness of God’… it was fascinating to listen to.

The prison continues to be emotionally draining. There is so much need in that place and I feel so inadequate to help … even more inadequate that I usually do and sometimes I wonder if I am helping at all.

In the High Street people have started to notice this ‘priest figure’ around and started to engage. I was asked to bless a baby and was taken aback as this couple shared their story on the High Street with all to hear.

I believe I have seen positive signs of the Kingdom of God present in the community of Gillingham. It is easy to knock the place, and it is very different to Rochester, but in my observing I have noticed …
in a cafe a young man rushing out of his seat in a cafe to open the door for an old lady who was struggling to open it herself
a young woman waiting patiently with a smile by the car door as her 3 year old daughter screamed at her for a full 10 minutes (if you frequent Gillingham you will understand why I draw attention to this as being ‘out of the norm’)
a person running down the High Street with a wallet in their hand to give to someone who had dropped it on the floor of a shop
these are encouraging signs of a community that does have compassiona and care for each other.

Real positives of the week were baptising three people yesterday. I baptised 2 children and one adult, who was the parent of one of the children baptised … so that qualifies as my first adult baptism. It was a delight to work with both sets of guests, one at 12 and the others at 2pm who were both very different ‘parties’ but both very spiritual in their outlook. I pray that I may come across some of these people again.

the gathering also met and went well and Nick got us thinking, and challenged us, about our role in caring for the world or making the world a better place … which was one of our original passions or desires as the gathering.

A mixed but interesting week and one in which I can start to sense some form of way forward … even if it’s only a little step!

from Coffee to Perichoresis

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It was great to get back into London yesterday … met up with Richard in Bar Italia (amazingly good coffee and vibe and well worth a visit!) and had a little wander around before making my way over to Ian’s book launch.

I enjoyed the evening on a number of fronts. It was good to meet up with Moot friends that I have not seen for far too long! It was good, as always, to hear from Ian who spoke well and both challenged and encouraged. It was good to meet up with others who are simply trying and asking similar questions about church, life and the universe!

Ian spoke about the Trinity, perichoresis and dancing with God. He shared his view on how Christians in the west have lost sight of relationship with a Trintarian, communal God. I agree with much of what Ian said …. if we can experience more of the Trinity, which by the very nature is community, then this can only aid us better as we attempt, as church, to reach out to and engage with a very individualistic society that simply craves the experience of community, but has no idea to achieve it. If God is community, and we engage in that community, people find God meeting their need.

Experiencing, rather than just learning about, the Trinitarian God … Trinitarian theologyis, says Ian, key to recovering a depth of relationship (in church and society) that has been missing for so long.

Anyway … God Unknown, by Ian Mobsby … go buy!