It’s noisy!

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So I have returned from retreat.
It was a powerful time and I will write about that in the coming week …

I was ‘homed’ in the Thomas Beckett Room, which is a Tudor room above the gatehouse and from the visitors book I saw this room has also homed two Archbishops of Canterbury in the last 20 or so years along with a great variety of lovely ad interesting people. I also loved it as I got to bath in a cupboard! (If you are that interested I have posted videos on twitter!)

IMG_2121I followed the daily offices with the sisters as shown on the timetable in the pic …. it was a pretty awesome experience to sit back and listen to sung prayers and engage with God in a  different way.

My day followed a loose routine guided by the offices apart from Lauds … instead of Lauds I decided to say Morning Prayer in my room and join the sisters for Eucharist at 730 am. This worked well for me.

After Eucharist was a silent breakfast, I then read before mediating using Centring Prayer which got me to another office and then lunch. After lunch I went on meditative walks with my camera. Sometime in the day I met with Sister Ruth who had given me Psalm  46 to hold onto, particularly ‘be still and know that I am God.’

Those word have held me over the last week, and they continue to hold me now.
As I said above, throughout the week I will share more.
Although there is one thing I have noticed since leaving the Abbey …. you lot are flipping noisy! 😉

in to the silence …

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doorwayI’ve not blogged for a little while.
I’m conscious that I have said that a lot over the last year or so.
I don’t mind saying life has been hard, particularly over the last few months with the sudden death of my younger brother, amongst other things.
I have, and am, travelling the interesting road of grief and encountering all it’s joys, heartbreaks and confusions.

Now for the first time in a little while I believe I am re-finding me.
Which I think is an example of good God timing … sometimes I marvel at my stupidity and surprise over such things.

Before the summer I had booked my annual retreat at West Malling Abbey.
I had planned for 5 days of silence with some direction at the start of each day.
August was not the right time to take that retreat … it would have meant coming out of retreat and travelling straight to Weymouth to take my brother’s funeral. So, I and the sisters, decided it was not the best time and we re-arranged it for this coming week.

So … this week, from today, I will be intentionally entering into 5 days of silence.
I have a book or two to take which I may or may not read.
The only plan I have is to place myself in front of God …. and … well … just wait to see what happens.
The ‘standards’ will be joining the sisters for the times of monastic office and starting each day with my meditation, but other than that there is no plan.

Am I worried about being bored with my own company  – maybe!
Am I concerned that God won’t show and that  I will experience nothing – definitley!
Am I thinking this was a mad idea – certainly!
Am I just scared at the whole thought of this now that it is here … well, YES!

But … I believe passionately about entering into silence.
It may be scary,
it may be hard,
even painful ….
but I believe that it is in the silence,
when we allow the crap of the world to be filtered out,
when we ‘dull’ the impact of whatever the crap is
when we cut ourselves off from ‘stuff’
that we hear from ourselves
(which is ok if we hold to being created in the image of God stuff!)
and from our creator.

I don’t believe that God only speaks in the silence
I believe God is constantly speaking, constantly calling, constantly loving.
I realise though, that as is the case with the important people in my life
that in the plethora of noise around
I don’t hear properly
or maybe am even too afraid to listen.

That stops today
for now
as I wait
and allow God
to find me
and me
to find God

Please pray for me if you do that thing
if you don’t  … then happy unicorn thoughts and blessings are ok too

I’ll see you on the other side!
Sssshhhhhhh!

 

 

a great day

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DSC_0415I love days like today ….
a long day ….
full of a variety of things
where I am doing a lot of the  stuff I feel I am ok at and that energise me
rather than those draining things that no one likes to do …

The day started in school as I chatted to parents about baptism while on ‘gate duty’.
After having a cup of tea with a member of staff, I rushed off to our secondary school to take the Harvest service …
Did this little trick as part of my talk from my friends at Mission Magic:

It seemed some of the staff and students were pretty impressed as I had a lot of good feedback … and it was fun with a great Harvest message … bonus!

I then rushed to another school to have chat with a member of staff as well as do some self esteem work with a pupil …. before then popping home to prepare food for tonight’s Agapai.

As I knew we had new people coming tonight to Agapai I played safe and produced a vegetarian dish and sorted some stuff in the bread maker … and then I made it back to the secondary school for the prospective Year 7 Open Evening. Here I had some great conversations with current students, staff and prospective new parents.

Finally I got home after 7 in time to finish the meal for tonight Agapai and take the bread out of the bread maker! Tonight we had a great chat, we shared a little of our stories and passions … we had new people … and we ended by praying for each other before sharing some bread and wine with a few of the words from the Northumbria Community’s Eucharist liturgy.

I feel so flipping energised!
The day has flown by ….
… but I feel I have done some of the stuff I was created to do today
So today is a good day
Not perfect … as some things and some people are missing …
but a good day …. and tonight … I am content with that.

Tonight I will be finishing my day with tonight’s Northumbria Community Compline:

The peace of God
be over me to shelter me,
under me to uphold me,
about me to protect me,
behind me to direct me,
ever with me to save me.
Amen 

 

vulnerability again!

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logo2A little while ago I was persuaded by my good friend Anna to join Sion College … who have a strap line of ‘supporting the education and fellowship of church of England clergy in London’.

Each month Sion College hosts seminar suppers amongst other things. I really enjoy the chance to meet new people, and old friends, and engage with some great thinkers and practitioners…. and eat good food and drink wine!

At the last Sion Supper, we listened to Hilary Ison speak on ‘Priesthood and Leadership’ and I found myself, once again, resonating with a lot of what was said.

I found myself sitting up and tuning in quite intently (despite the abundance of red wine) when Hilary said ‘priesthood is about the quality of presence’. I love that phrase,

Quality of Presence

and it sums up what I wish to do and be as a priest …. to be present …. really present …. really and fully present to those that I meet with and come across. I believe wholeheartedly that great quality of presence, where you have time for one person, and totally devote that time to being with them, to showing them they are worth your time and, even more, communicating through that presence that you are actually wanting to be with them, not just being there because you have nowhere else to be. Sometimes I have got that so wrong … and I have learnt the hard way that when that happens massive genuine regret doesn’t cut it! Sometimes quality of presence with strangers seems to be a lot easier than quality of presence with people that really matter on a personal level to me. I wish I could do so much better on that.Unknown

Hilary went on to say that we needed to have the confidence to reclaim the priestly role of being present with both God and people which inevitably needs a massive level of vulnerability.

There comes that word again!
It seems I cannot get away from it.
May I refer you again to Brene Brown’s TED talks on vulnerability …

She went further to say that when working with others, leaders of presence needed to be confident in their wait … in holding ‘negative anxiety’ (which occurs when things are taking a while to happen) … the vulnerable bit coming in the holding of that anxiety (both personal and communal) as they wait for God to act and for vision to emerge.

Sometimes that can be hard when the pressure is on to deliver results, or increased numbers or maybe even to do something very different …. but as painful as it is …. bearing that vulnerability of presence when needing to balance tensions of anxiety and waiting for God to reveal a plan is really the only thing to do. Maybe that can be easier to do when we remember that church is family and community, rather than business with business ways of working.

But …
the vulnerability if that waiting and holding …
anyone else wish God would sometimes just be that teeny weeny bit quicker tho ….. ?

 

 

radical & obscene … that’s my God!

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Luther-posting-95-theses-560x366-2Every term or so the ‘clergy / reader team’ of the East Greenwich Parish get together for a theological discussion which someone at the previous get together agrees to lead. Last year I ran a discussion on Eucharist while other shave looked at salvation and other great topics to get us talking.

 

Today Tim led us as we considered Luther and the Reformation with Tim asking us to think around two pretty interesting questions:

(1)  What do you consider to be the most significant or relevant of Luther’s ideas for you personally in your spiritual life/walk?
(2)  What do you consider to be the most significant or relevant of Luther’s ideas for the people of the Parish of East Greenwich in 2017?  (You may have different thoughts for our different Churches)
For me, for both questions, there is one over-arching answer that I believe I have centred my ministry on.
Obviously having the bible in the ‘vernacular’ is key and central and has been important.  I spend a lot of time thinking around language to use in the various settings that have to teach the Bible.
Way at the top of the list, however, for me is the theme that ‘salvation is a free gift of God’. By this I believe that to mean that we can do nothing to earn salvation. We can do nothing to change how God views us. God created us, loves us, and … well kinda loves to hang out with us!
When I have met with people in the hidden places that I spoke of yesterday, so many of them have felt that they are not good enough for God. Others have felt that what they have done simply means they are condemned by God. Still others have tearfully said to me that they are too insignificant for God to even notice.
My believe my role as a missioner, as a servant, as a priest …. is to tell people the truth … that God flipping loves them, that they are totally acceptable … and not that God is only interested in them but that God id actively looking out and searching for them … continually and without fail.
I have seen people literally ‘grow’ when they have heard, really heard, those true words of acceptance.
Sometimes it seems to me that the church and christians have forgotten this radical grace and acceptance that God offers. I remember having a conversation with a colleague a few years ago in pub theo (how I miss pub theo!) as we chatted around his view that there was a need for a person to change their behaviour to follow God and my response that if we have to do something then that is not ‘grace’ or free salvation. WE went around in circles and the truth is somewhere in there.
The fact, and I use that word deliberately, that acceptance, salvation, or whatever term we wish to use, from God is totally free is, quite frankly, a crazy notion.
But it’s true.
It’s crazily radically mad.
It’s pretty offensive to some.
It’s obscene to others.
Maybe that’s why I love it so much …. I follow a God, The Creator, incarnated in Jesus Christ … who is a God that obscenely radically totally unequivocally offensively accepts those God has created.
I think that’s a God worth following!

exploring the hidden spaces

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I had an empty day yesterday …. a day of space with nothing planned … so I took the opportunity to go for a meander around the Tate Britain, specifically going to see the Rachel Whiteread exhibition.

Stunning was an understatement …. this exhibition is just beautiful and I will return a few times before it closes …. if  anyone would like to join me sometime that would be cool (a perk of the membership!)

Rachel Whietread is probably most famous for the cast of a Victorian house in 1993/4 …. which you can watch in this you tube documentary here:

 

The ‘blurb’ from the Tate brochure says:

Her sculptures are made using the technique of casting with materials such as rubber, resin, concrete and metals. Unlike traditional cast sculpture, which is intended to replicate objects, Whiteread’s works instead cast the space inside or around everyday forms.

I’ve always loved the concept and I have wanted to see her work for a few years. I was definitely not disappointed and fell in love with a few space sculptures …. particularly  the stairs (my pic above) and one hundred spaces.

For me, there is something profound and inviting in exploring the underside, the hidden side, the space around rather than the object itself. Through investigating the hidden side, Whiteread has revealed a beauty and uniqueness that we would never otherwise notice, that we would never otherwise experience, and so our perception of that image would be forever lacking something quite integral and profound. The scary thought though, I believe, is that it is possible to believe we have a full image while being totally unaware of the hidden.

I think the innovation of looking underneath, behind, below, above and around is vitally key to my pioneering and how I seek to engage with others. Finding and exploring those hidden spaces off the beaten track, or down the dark alleys of cities has often meant I have stumbled on scenes of unexpected beauty. It has always, without doubt, been in the ‘hidden’ spaces which I have searched out that I have had some of the most profound and humbling experiences with amazing, often hidden, people. Amazing awesome people who have been told and treated in ways that make them feel unworthy and useless.

As I continue my journey, which of recent time has been bloody painful on a number of different levels, I will continue to explore the hidden in full expectation of continuing to be surprised by what I find.

On the flip side of that … I guess there is a question in how much do we compact into our personal hidden paces, how much have we been led to believe that our hidden stuff is unacceptable and only fit for hiding. I suspect we all have a fair share of that …. I look forward to the day that maybe mine will be found and transformed!

To return to the start of the post … if you get a chance, go see the Whiteread exhibition … did  I say it was stunning and all about exploring spaces …. yes? …. well go look!

 

 

 

through the darkness …

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2017-09-03_header1Beautiful words here to sum up the Richard Rohr weekly meditations of last week; particularly
‘Through darkness and doubt often come the greatest creativity and faith.’

Go read … and subscribe!

courage and vulnerability

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life_s_journey_by_annakoutsidou-d6f3c0zI have written about Richard Rohr’s thoughts for the day in the past …. and no doubt I will again in the future. This past week Rohr has been talking about ‘Entering the Dark Wood’ and the need for pain and suffering to help us into the second parts of our lives. It is through pain and suffering, suggest Rohr, that we find ourselves, dismiss false gods and discover more of who God is.

Some quotes from the week that I have particularly resonated with:

It is only by a foundational trust in the midst of suffering, some ability to bear darkness and uncertainty, and learning to be comfortable with paradox and mystery, that you move from the first half of life to the second half.

A need to have everything explained and tightly boxed ties us in knots … being able to accept mystery, being unaware of the outcome, and knowing mystery is … well … mystery helps us to move on in our life journeys.

On Wednesday, a lot resonated, particularly with where I find myself at the moment …

To allow and fully experience the darkness is an immense act of courage (from cor-agere, “an act of the heart”). Our natural instinct is to pull back from others, to move into a self-chosen exile. But when we are cut off or alienated from others, wounds are exacerbated rather than healed.

In the darkness, it’s hard to feel courageous. We resist love. “I will prove that I’m unworthy. I will not let you get to me.” Yet we must turn toward the very people we are pushing away, those who love us and who see meaning in our life when we can’t. It sounds naïve and simplistic, but love is the greatest healer.

In the darkness, we usually look for someone to blame, to absolve ourselves from the problem. I think we’ve been led into a period of exile again, both as a culture and as a Church, as evidenced by increased hostility and blame of the “other.”

These words hit me with full force again tonight as I loo over the last few weeks and months in particular.
I believe that myself, and many others, conditioned by our upbringing and reinforced by a culture of today that tells us that we are the only ones that can help ourselves, tend to  hide away and find it hard to accept that love, particularly love from another, can be the greatest healer. But, instead, we chose exile.

I guess there is something here about making oneself vulnerable. (If you have not heard the Brene Brown vulnerability stuff get yourself over to Ted Talks and listen!) Although many of us understand vulnerability is key … it has been pretty central to most of my ministry … when it comes to our personal lives, sometimes that vulnerability can be incredibly scary to accept and sit with. That vulnerability can cause us to be hurt, puts us at risk of being abandoned, and opens us to being shattered by the acts of another person. No one wants that. Yet everyone needs that … not the shattering … but the vulnerability and the realisation that if it is accompanied with love it can be life changing.

If we could learn to accept that, personally, socially and globally … maybe …. just maybe … our lives, our society and our world would be better places to live in.

I’ll be honest tho …. I’m not there just yet …. so I’m off back to my cave to mull this stuff over …. stuff of a new life … the second part of life … the bit where we really live, really come alive, really rejoice! I’m close …. I’m walking in the right direction ….. slowly … but the right direction none the less …. I hope I arrive soon … or not too late at least!

he left good footprints

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DSCF1030People have asked me to write some thoughts, and share some of what I am experiencing … in the hope that maybe this helps either now or in the future
… because in my experience … this is a pretty normal reaction
So I have shared some of what I am feeling in the first part of this overdue post …. and then shared something of my words from the funeral …..

On the 11th August my world changed.
I did not realise how much until a couple of days ago.

On that day I received a call to tell me that my younger brother, Steve, died in accident.
I crumbled,
tears flowed
I became vacant
more tears flowed
with a massive feeling of emptiness.
The shock was virtually instant,
more tears flowed
accompanied with a sense of numbness,
of disbelief,
of feeling this was not really happening.
No matter where I was,
or who I was with,
no matter how important they were to me …
I was not there
I was somewhere else
Rob had left the building
A place that I don’t even know where it is!
I’m not sure I wish to find it again
Just I was not here.
lost.
empty

Steve and I had become very close over the last few years
We had laughed a lot, and cried a lot together as well
I miss him so much
I did not realise how much I loved him
And how much this was going to hurt

The feelings of grief have not really hit until the last few days
This is because I had to sort things like banks, credit cards etc
As well as plan the funeral with Tanya and Mum …
I was determined to take the funeral and speak myself
I knew it would be hard
I knew it would tear me in two … and it has …. but I am rebuilding … and it’s why it has taken me 5 days to be able to share anything
But I also knew I needed to do this because I knew what sort of funeral he would have wanted, me, in clericals, new shirt and shoes … and with the freedom so I could say things that other vicars would not be able to say ..

In my intro I declared:
‘Steve … Son to my mum Jackie; very incredibly proud dad to Peter, Loving caring ‘the rock’ partner to Tanya, friend to many of you here today … and my little brother…. I think we can all agree …. he was amazing … but ever so slightly Steve was a bit of a wanker!’
People laughed and cried in equal measure …. because he was …. and that was why we loved him so flipping much!

During the service  I read John 14:1-4 … the bit where Jesus says that he prepares a place for us. I added in my talk that I don’t think Jesus gives a toss what we believe … he prepares that place regardless …. I said that because I believe that is the reality of a God of love, and a reality for all of us.

It’s impossible to talk about Steve without remembering his quick witted humour … so I shared a joke of his … ‘A favourite being in the Oak Quiz night. It’s my favourite because basically my sense of humour froze at the 14 year old boy level. So did Steve’s! The quiz question was … ‘Which country does the airline Cathay Pacific now fly for?’ Milliseconds after the answer came of of ‘For China’ … Steve shouted ‘For China?’ over and over again!’ …. if you don’t actually get that … then just say it a few times  aloud to yourself!

Most of all I love words that a new and great friend, Rhos, shared …. ‘Wherever Steve went he left good footprints’

I love that thought, agree with it with all my heart …. and so wish my brother was still making those footprints in this world … so much

RIP Steve … you silly bugger …. love and miss you loads!

a special love …

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20429624_10154784638772543_5760356242749648249_nYesterday was a special day.
I day when I saw these two beautiful people commit their lives to each other.
It was a very special moment and I don’t think I have been to a wedding ever before where there were tears, good tears, from every speech.
I think looking around the tables many others had tears of joy as well.
As ‘Uncle Rob’ I feel an incredible sense of pride to have been able to see how my eldest neice has grown in to the amazing woman that she is.
I have no right, have done nothing to deserve that feeling, but feel it just the same.

I do not really know Esgrid but his devotion to his new wife, and his sense of loyalty and love to his new family was very obvious. It was, again, something quite special to see and experience.

It’s clear these two have something special.
Something very special that is to be cherished and nurtured.
Rachel and Esgrid …. I pray that God continues to bless you both, to reassure you both, and that you will always be conscious of God walking and encouraging and loving and accepting you both.

We were asked to write blessings or comments and place them in that lovely red letterbox. I had something but failed to bring it with me … so I include this blessing here from John O’Donohue’s Book of Blessings

As spring unfolds the dream of the earth,
May you bring each other’s hearts to birth.

As the ocean finds calm in view of land,
May you love the gaze of each other’s mind.

As the wind arises free and wild,
May nothing negative control your lives.

As kindly as moonlight might search the dark,
So gentle may you be when light grows scarce.

As surprised as the silence that music opens,
May your words for each other be touched with reverence.

As warmly as the air draws in the light,
May you welcome each other’s every gift.

As elegant as dream absorbing the night,
May sleep find you clear of anger and hurt.

As twilight harvests all the day’s colour,
May love bring you home to each other.

Bless you both
Uncle R