So … I have now been back from retreat for a week.
Every evening my adopted new practice of saying Northumbria Compline has happened (I simply love the Monday night words!)  … even when waking at 2am on the sofa, compile was still said before going to bed!
Most days I have managed to do Centring Prayer, and obviously as an obedient Anglian Priest, Morning Prayer is always said anyway.

With these practices I am able to maintain perspective and continue in the vein of ‘all will be well’. I’m not quite sure what will happen, nor what the future holds. But I can believe that all will be well.

Sometimes practices adopted on retreats can be too demanding, or can be dropped too easily … I am hoping I have found a good balance here and early signs seem to be good.

A number of people have said to me that they could not do silence for any length of time, let alone 5 days.
I would say do not underestimate yourself.
Try meditating for just 10 minutes a day ….
allow God to find you
and you to find yourself
and see what happens.

and the pictures this time …. well that’s just to show off a bit with the medieval room!

So … hope!
Following the ‘Wednesday experience’ of what I can only call a release, baggage dropping healing experience I came across Julian of Norwich. Obvs not physically but in the form of a translation of her meditations by Brendan Doyle … a simply but profound version which I have had on the bookshelf for years but only really leafed through …. until this day.

I think it is quite natural that after a time of release which reveals a way forward that concerns can often come crashing in. Julian of Norwich’s words came for me at quite a key time during the silence.

I probably should explain a little that Julian wrote these words at a time when the populist option of God was a hard task master, someone that needed to be feared and who wanted to finish people for their misdemeanours. Julian radically said because all of creation was created by God, who is good, then all creation is good, and that God loved and wanted to hang out with all, rather than punish people for stuff that was happening on God’s watch anyway! There’s a lot more to it than that, but that is a short Rob translation!

In particular two of Julians meditations spoke to me …. these are ‘words’ that Julian believed she heard from God …. which have been left for us to ponder, meditate upon, and consider in our lives.

Obviously all meditations and messages from God are open to interpretation and will be interpreted differently by different people art different times in different locations. But … in my silence and slow reading, these two meditations kind of jumped out of the page and bit me on the arse! One with God seemingly dissing the idea that God’s plan and our hope for our lives are wildly different … and the other with God almost laughingly say ….it’s ok … all will be ok …. which resonates with one of Julian’s more well known meditations :

I can make all things well,
I know how to make all things well,
I desire to make all things well,
I will make all things well.
And you shall see with your own eyes
that every kind of thing will be well.

I don’t know why these came as a surprise to me … yet again.
Its;s easy to forget I suppose.
I guess as we work and get swallowed up by being involved in the pressing and unimportant not only do we lose sight of the ‘important’ in our lives, but we lose sight of the vision of reality that God wants people to have their heart’s desire … and the even bigger truth that God really is taking care of us.

Those two meditations that jumped out at me coupled with the ‘all will be well’ word gave a strong sense of hope on Thursday morning. On my afternoon walk I came across a level crossing, and I know it’s not entirely safe but I took a photo looking down the rails. From my previous two days of quiet coming across these rails seemed again to be prophetic in it’s meaning to me. A meaning that there seems a clear way ahead … it’s long, a lot out of focus, but clear direction and a certain knowledge of what could be ahead … and that ‘all will be well’. This picture of the rails speaks to me in a way that reminds me that over the last 6 months or so I had drifted from the core of who I was … as I look back I have ideas why, but to dwell there would be pointless, other than to learn from the experience. Returning to the core of me in the knowledge that all will be well is pretty liberating!

I started the week not knowing why I had gone for 5 days of silence. My first conversation with Sr Ruth saw me saying ‘I do not know why I am here, but I know I need to be’. By the third and fourth days the reasons for being there seemed so obvious!

All things are well.
All things will be well.
And all manner of things shall be well.

At breakfast on Wednesday I saw this card.

The words resonated with me powerfully and helped me to authentically enter into a time of meditation in the form of centring prayer. 

The time brought up a lot of pain and ‘stuff’.
As referred to yesterday, it was a bit like walking through a dark tunnel, feeling slowly against the cold wet walls and edging slowly forward, each step quite difficult as I knew I would probably find an obstacle … but each step bringing something that I can only describe as ‘lighter’ as I was able to let go of ‘stuff’ again ….
baggage that I have accumulated:
unreasonable expectations from others
even more ridiculous expectations of myself
losing sight of who is important
losing sight of who I really am
guilt
feelings of failure
trying to keep control
attempting to keep everything going
as stuff came up, tears flowed, I let go of that ‘stuff’ and carrying on walking

Meditation using centring prayer, for me, usually lasts around 20 minutes.
I was kinda surprised when I opened my eyes to see that an hour and ten minutes had passed. I don’t think I’ve ever been that silent for so long … not even when asleep! I don’t tend to have major God experiences … but this was one!

After this deep experience with what I would call God I sat pretty quietly in my room for another 20 minutes or so before then going for another walk with the camera. As I walked, following my map, I cam across this single poppy which I saw as a massive sign of hope. Interestingly, ‘HOPE’ is the word in metal letters that I have displayed in my living room. It’s an important word for me. It’s one of those words that gets who I wish to be as well as describes how I want to be and also helps me look to the future.

That afternoon I saw Sr Ruth who looked at me and said, ‘Oh wow … something has happened … you look totally different!’ We chatted about the experience and how I felt quite a deep inner sense of calm (a cliche if ever there was one!) which I am still able to hold on to a week later. For me, it was both encouraging and exciting to hear Sr Ruth’s immediate comments … and incredibly helpful to hear her honest feedback to me.

It has been a while since I have been properly still.
Being still allows us to listen to what is going on.
Being still allows us to hear, to realign, to remember what is important.
I aim to make ‘being still’ part of my daily rhythm of life.

There is more …. particularly on the hope thing … maybe tomorrow!

Today is the day of our ordination rehearasal after which we travel to Crowhurst Christian Centre for our retreat until Saturday when we return to join our families for lunch at a reception with Bishop Brian before then moving to the cathedral for the service at 3.00pm.

It all seems to have come around very quickly.

I’m not sure if I will be able to blog at Crowhurst so I don’t know of they have wifi. Nevertheless I will be reflecting while I am there on the ordination service and what priesthood is about and how it is different to being a deacon.

Please hold my family in your prayers while I am away – and I look forward to seeing some of you on Saturday or Sunday.