should I stay … pt. 3 … or be a spiritual landlord!

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Following my post last week of the tension I was feeling about interacting with different groups of people and wanting all to feel valued and none to feel I was moving away, a great person took the time to give me a call, to offer advice from her perspective of growing up in a pub with landlords as parents and then praying with me over the phone. It’s good to have such top friends.

The advice, in the main, was to act as a kind of spiritual landlord in the place – being part of many groups but owned by none. She suggested spending time with groups and moving around from one to the other. After praying with me the advice was to take up this challenge and see myself in this role and ‘wander’.

I have been thinking this through and wondering how I could adapt this advice, in a way that is natural to me and the way in which I operate. It may be a surprise to many that I am, actually, quite a shy person and moving to a new group and looking for a way to speak with people is always a challenge. In many ways the sitting and waiting has suited me very well as it means I have to respond rather than instigate. I guess the relationships I am developing now need me to be a little more proactive to show I value the people I have started to get to know. If I now just go and sit elsewhere, or always wait for yet another invite, it will just come across as rude and disinterest.

On Friday I gave it a little try as Friday is a particular day I feel this tension as I have a choice of 4 groups of people I could sit and chat with. I sat with the group of daily’s and mentioned that I wanted to catch up with other people when they came in. I felt this kind of prepared the way for me to be able to move from the group at a later point in the morning. This proved to be the case.

In fact, the advice to move, worked so well that on Friday I was actually in WS from 10.30 until 3 – that’s actually longer than I am in the cathedral for on a Sunday! I only left because I had already agreed to meet someone somewhere else.

It was also helpful to have my friend Nik join me for lunch as this instigated the third move which seemed to produce a surprise as that gave opportunity for a bloke I had only met the day before to ask if he could join us. I look back on the reception I used to receive here, and think this is pretty amazing! In addition, this particular incident reminded me how important it is to be flexible and available – I was just getting ready to leave at 2.00pm, but this guy wanted to join Nik and I and so we stayed for another hour chatting – as I said we could have chatted longer but I had to go and meet someone else (which was also an excellent time and a conversation I felt privileged to be part of!)

I still think this needs more thinking through, but early signs are leading me to think this was quite good advice from my friend who shall remain nameless – but is an excellent youth worker and evangelist based with Chislehurst YFC!

to the person that took the time …

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Today has been a great day.
It’s been great due to other people and their encouragements – although apart from one person the others of the last 24 hours would probably not see themselves as being encouragers but they are.

The day started yesterday really when after reading my post about working with different groups in the pub someone took the time to phone me, offer reflection and pray with me. I was moved to tears as I realised outside of the cathedral staff team this is the first person that has done that. Not only was it humbling but it was so powerful to hear the words of a friend praying down the phone line for me. To the person that took the time … thank you – you are great!

Yestrday evening I went out for a curry and a few drinks with a friend. We chatted about lots of stuff and, again, this was a real encouragement to me. It was great just to meet up with someone who knows me and chill. The action of chilling together, although small in their eyes, was a massive boost to me. To the person that took the time … thank you – you are great!

Today I was leaving ‘spoons and had a text from a friend asking to meet up for coffee. We did just that and chatted, just by chance another friend joined us – and again, just being able to hang out, chat and enjoy drinking a coffee together was a real privilege and a real encouragement, or boost if you like! To the person that took the time … thank you – you are great!

Tonight a friend visited and we chatted over old times of working together. This person has some exciting news as well as it was a joy to hear what was happening. Just the fact of having a friendship of some 6/7 years from the simple act of working together is amazing. This person has been great at staying in touch and I thank God she has To the person that took the time … thank you – you are great!

My little point as I disappear to bed is – don’t under-estimate how powerful the simple things like communication can be – for me the day has been amazing thanks to the actions of others.

should I stay … pt. 2

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Following on from my previous post I have noticed something in the last 2 weeks. After months and months of sitting alone, watching, waiting and attempting to discern what God is doing around the place I have gradually come to realise that I now have conflicting choices, not quite spoilt for choice, but nearly – and that has hit me as a surprise.

It has taken a long time to make the small step that I have made but I have now got to a stage where I am conscious that if I sit with one group of people that results in me not being able to sit amongst another group. It seems I now need to develop some plan of being able to share my time which is a situation I never thought would arise. It seems odd to think that I now need to think about who I sit with to spend some time with, it was not long ago that my prayer was something along the lines of ‘Lord, please don’t let today be another day when I’m invisible!’

I have noticed this as an issue for the last 2 or 3 weeks. There are two distinct sets of people who I see over the week. There are the daily regulars who are just that, in before I arrive (1030ish) and still there when I leave at 12/1ish. In addition are the twice a week regulars who come at 11ish and are usually gone by 1.

Up to recently, for some reason I have developed relationships best with the twice a week regulars as they tend to come alone, or in couples and conversations have naturally developed as we all tend to sit in the quieter part of the building and people have naturally talked. I have been privileged in that I have come to know and share a lot of the stories with these individuals and couples. I have been trusted with stories, concerns and fears and pray for this group of people and their concerns regularly.

The last few weeks, though, on arrival a chair has been pulled out for me amongst the daily regulars. The group can be large and so it would not be natural (I don’t think) to sit there without some form of invitation. If nothing else, because the group are daily regulars they give off the aura of being very comfortable there and, whether they know/mean it or not, you get the distinct impression that this is their part of the pub. Although I can feel quite vulnerable here sometimes it’s a real honour to hear the stories of these guys and be part of their conversation for the day.

I am logging this for my own personal reflection as much as for comments from others – but I know some of you out there are involved in similar work and wonder whether you have anything to add to this.

should I stay or should I go?

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Today has been another day of stories. I hooked up in the pub this morning with two older guys whom I have not had major chats with. It started as an awkward situation with the bloke who invited me to sit down then disappeared after 30 minutes leaving me and the other guy that does not usually chat with me.

After some awkwardness and staring out the window we started to chat about some stuff and started to share some stories. Soon another older guy joined us and the stories started to flow in quite an amazing way. It’s incredible how many stories these people have to share. They seem to enjoy telling me but also seem to enjoy hearing the stories of others.

I was very conscious today that a simple one to one situation can be quite intimidating for the person sitting with me. It atmosphere seems far more relaxed when the man in the dog collar is out numbered by others, even if it is only by one other joining the group. As soon as we decrease in number to an equality thing the body language displays a clear discomfort with the situation.

In this scenario I find it hard to work out the best thing to do. I understand totally reasons for not wanting to be seen sitting in a pub with a vicar on your own – lots of mickey taking and/or questions could well flow after I leave.

So … what should I do? Do I sit and hope and pray that some one else will join us soon as did happen today? Do I decide to leave after what seems an acceptable time? I have difficulty with that last suggestion as, although the situation is awkward and uncomfortable for both of us, it does seems just rude to go. I’d have to leave the place altogether – obviously I could not move to another table!

I understand that it is better for me to push through the discomfort, and I am prepared to. But do I have a right to inflict that discomfort upon another person? It’s a question or situation that does not seem to have an easy solution – so come on, in the words of one of the worlds best ever bands, ‘you’ve got to let me know … should I stay or should I go?!’

2 privileges, 1 surprise and a beer!

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I have had both a privilege and surprise today and both have centred around the cathedral.

I ahd the privilege of presiding at the Eucharist this morning. It’s a wonderful thing to be able to do and this morning I think I was able to start to put aside my concerns of how I was doing things and be able to partly attempt to be worshiping God. (I wonder if I will ever be totally able to as the knowledge that I have to sing the opening three lines of the liturgy!) There is also the question of when taking some form of lead in worship is it ever possible to fully enter into the activity of worship.

I’ll try to illustrate this point with my second ‘privilege’ and this has by no means been an isolated incident for me over the past year or so. Tonight I went to Choral Evensong and there have been occasions that whole the choir has sung I have lost myself in God. Tonight was one of those nights, but thankfully it was not before I read from the bible. I do remember one occasion a few months back when this occurred and I was suddenly conscious of a silence and eyes looking at me, awaiting the word of God to be read! The music on that occasion, and also this evening, had somehow enabled me to pull myself into the presence of God so that I really did not want to leave. we are privileged to have such talented choristers at the cathedral.

This morning I had a surprise. On Thursday one of the guys I talk to a lot in the pub said he wanted to come to the service on Sunday. This was the same guy who came to the ordination service a couple of weeks ago. Well, maybe I should not have been, but I was surprised to see him there this morning in the third row. I wonder if it means that the presence of a vicar in the pub every day for 11 months has had some small part in reigniting something deep within him that he wishes to explore? I don’t know, maybe it is, maybe its something else and maybe it is a variety of things. It will be interesting to chat with him next week explore what he thought and why he came?

Well with all that thinking …. I’m now off for a beer!

from grammar school to Bollywood

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Today was a bit more of a traditional vicar type day today where I joined with Rochester Grammar School for their Founders day Service. It was a real privilege to be part of this and see the many gifts and enthusiasm on display from these students. I also had a proud uncle moment when Rachael, who is Head Girl, read the first reading.

Later in the evening I had another privilege of eating curry and watching Monsoon Wedding as part of a fundraiser for the cathedral’s project in Chennai in the Madras region of India. It was a good time to meet new people and the film itself was an excellent film – a film about how the mixing the new and the traditional was affecting this one particular family. It’s probably best described as a comedy drama which chooses to deal with tragedy, but preferring to concentrate on the joy of love and the wedding occasion.

AS well as being an excellent idea for a fundraiser, Bev is an amazing cook so the food was simply amazing too – I just wish I could have eaten a lot more of it (but I ate a fair bit!!)

don’t sink the boats – sink the BNP!

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I just had an email alerting me to this interview given by Nick Griffin where he states that he would would support civilian boats being targeted, fired upon and sunk. You can watch their exchange here.

This man needs to be exposed for what he really stands for – it is shocking that he will be representing our country in the European Parliament. That’s what happens when people choose to opt out and not vote!

the authority of Nazareth

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Adrian gave me an excellent article to read a while ago as part preparation for my ordination to the priesthood. The article is comprised of two talks given under the title of ‘Authority of Ministry’ given at the Dean’s conference in Chichester earlier this year by Revd Dr Sam Wells.

The talks are excellent and Wells looks at the different kinds of authority represented in the priesthood which I found very interesting. I got particularly excited, however, towards the end of the speech when Wells starts to talk about we restore authority where authority has been lost due to being abused or misrepresented.

He argues that there are three approaches to restoring some form of authority.
One way is by working for people. This is quite common in all areas of professional life where we train and get good at what we do and then use our skill to try to resolve problems on the behalf of others. This may make us feel good, but it quite often leaves the recipient feeling deskilled and devalued in some way.

Wells says the second model is working with people. This can make for good partnership as long as the agenda is set by the person in need. This is more a relationship based on equality, recognising that the journey is as important as the destination.

Wells suggests a third model, which resonates with me in a significant way. Wells calls this being with which acknowledges that some things are not problems and some problems simply can’t be fixed. ‘It means having the patience not to search around for the light switch, but to sit side by side for a time in the darkness’ and ‘learning to be with people is learning to treat people as if every day were their birthday. Being with is just that – spending time being with people not to fix them, or to instruct them, but being with them for no other reason than wanting to hang out with them.

He looks at these models and compares them to the shape of Jesus’ life. I find this illustration particularly powerful:

‘So Jesus spent a week in Jerusalem working for us, doing what we can’t do, achieving our salvation. he spent three years in Galilee working with us, calling us to follow him and work alongside him. But before he ever got into working with and working for, he spent 30 years in Nazareth being with us, setting aside his plans and strategies, and experiencing in his own body not just the exile and oppression of the children of Israel, but also the joy and sorrow of family and community life’.

Wells calls this the Authority of Nazareth. May we both experience and develop more in the way of the authority of Nazareth.

the 4th gathering

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This weekend saw the the 4th gathering of our community. I guess we will need to come up with a name for ourselves at some time – but at the moment we simply talk in terms of gathering together.

We gathered on Saturday afternoon at our home to consider what Jesus was on about when he called himself the bread of life, particularly in John 6. I wrote a meditation to help our thinking which you can see here if you are interested (be helpful to have comments as well!)

It was stunned again by how things simply seem to work. The atmosphere is relaxed, children dip in and out, both adults and children relating what we hear to our lives and asking that ever important question ‘so … how does that effect my life in the real world today?’

As part of this gathering we looked back and chatted a little about how things were going and where we are heading too. We were able to make a decision about when we meet, which will be during the afternoon of the second Sunday of the month. We shared that we like the discussion format we have, the permission there is to ask questions and how it is ok to not have all the answers. This is particularly healthy for children to see.

One issue very soon will be space as we grow. We like meeting at homes as it helps to include the children, and this will be a greater challenge if we move anywhere bigger which is not a home.

Other issues revolve around what we do. We are trying to develop church here and yet there are things that we do not do which we feel makes up church; such as worship in any form and sharing the Eucharist. I guess I am nervous about the latter too as I believe there is scope to be creative within the CofE rules but to keep integrity I believe I need to chat with the bishop first for his guidance.

So … I think we are at an exciting stage as we look forward and we welcome your prayers and any comments you may have.

climb time

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Today has been another pretty normal, but incredible, day.

I had a chance of sitting with the guys at the local again today and we entered into some good conversations about life. One of them came to the ordination service and apparently that has been a topic of conversation for the guys while I have not been around. The ‘event’ seems to have intrigued them and seems to be causing a lot more conversations.

As I said the other day … everything has changed, and yet nothing has.

I am still the same person, I still visit the same places, I still feel pretty much the same; but … something does seem to have changed in my relationship with these people. It may be my imagination, and it may be wishful thinking or just a case of looking too hard; but it does feel like some line has been crossed.

Lots more people seem to want to talk. Today someone shared some family photos with me after I joined their group. I am still not sure if this is acceptance into the group (I’m not too sure what acceptance would look like?) but this, combined with being allowed to buy drinks for people and having drinks bought for me, does seem to mean I am at least somewhere on that road of acceptance. I am not fully part of their group in their eyes, but I am no longer excluded and on the outside.

A friend pointed me recently to the end of Mandela’s autobiography where he writes about his life journey going up a hill. He pauses to look behind him and he realises that he has come a great distance. But as he turns to continue to look forward he realises that there are many other hills he has yet to climb….

I’m currently wondering what hills there will be to climb over the next few months