Author Archives: robryan65

Unknown's avatar

About robryan65

fallible human, like a phoenix runner spouse, father, grandpa, Jesus lover, creative, real ale, rum and malt whisky drinker dancing - expressing only personal views.

My Erised

Posted on by
Reply

Mirror24 men on retreat was a great time. I came away knowing I am very privileged and cared for by this great group of friends.

It was good to catch up with my (old) friends and have time together to reflect and time alone to pray. The convent in Nympsfield is one of those places where it is pretty impossible to be distracted. There is no wifi signal. There is no mobile phone signal. Well .. that’s not strictly true I did manage to get a signal by walking to the top of the hill, climbing up a tree and stretching my phone up in the air as far as I can. That gave me one bar of reception now and again.

Due to its relative remoteness I find silence is very easy to achieve here … and so I spent a lot of time in silence before God. I used the Jesus Prayer a lot; so as well as reading I spent a lot of time in silence before my Creator God. In that silence God seemed to transform some fears into hopes and some longings into dreams. Most of all I seemed to receive two things:
God seemed to remind me of promises and I had this great sense of God simply saying ‘trust me’.
God also reminded me that he called me as me and so a little bit of remembering who I am started to happen. It was nothing like a mirror but the best way of describing this feeling was like standing in front of God who was a mirror. maybe a better illustration would be the Mirror of Erised from Harry Potter. It seemed as well as reminding me who I am, that God was reminding me what I longed for most. Maybe I will share that at another time when I am happy to make myself a little more vulnerable and ‘feel’ the grace of my readers!

Trust seems so simple to do in theory .. and yet I find it so difficult when the world and stuff I have ‘learned’ (and maybe need to unlearn) crashes back in on my life.
But i guess trust is hard, gritty and involve pain … I don’t know … but to trust connects with my vulnerability writings earlier in the year. The other side of the trust coin is vulnerability, as we inevitably have to open up ourselves to be let down.

Anyway … a great few days where I was blessed by friendship and challenged by God…. thank you.

4 men on a retreat

Posted on by
Reply

retreat 020From tomorrow (Wednesday) for the next few days I will be on retreat with some good friends I used to work with in YFC. Four men on retreat is going to be a great few days.

So … until Friday I will be enjoying the benefit of the Marist Nuns in Nympsfield, from the collective wisdom of my three friends, and from the evening ale of the Rose and Crown.

Following that I will be helping to lead some of the sessions at the MSM residential at sanctuaryAylesford Priory.

So … taking my new monasticism label seriously … i’m looking forward to be amongst two monastic communities over the next 5 days. That means this blog will be quiet …. there may be some reflections during the next week.

the gathering storm

Posted on by
Reply

gathering fb logoThe gathering got together Sunday afternoon and it was a pretty amazing time together.

We took the Bible Story of Jesus calming the storm and ate a meal and discussed it together. To help us really get into the story we all took on characters that may or may not have been there and started to have the conversation around the meal table, pretending this was the night after.

Before the meal people were sent short character briefs and asked to read the Mark 4:34-41 version of the story. That was the preparation … so after some opening words and prayer, and hearing the story read to us again, we collected our meals, got into character and discussed faith and trust and other stuff with Jesus.

This worked incredibly well with comments in the debrief afterwards like:
‘it was great to hear other viewpoints’
‘we seemed to focus more on the story’
‘I had to think more’
and my favourite comment as I think it’s important and something we miss from multi-million studio reproductions of Jesus stories ….’I was struck by the humanity of Jesus’

Obviously the person playing Jesus was quite key and I think we got that person spot on as they had really great answers and challenges for the other disciples … but every other character got into their part well and the conversation went on for around 40 minutes.

I think this is one of the most thought provoking and personally challenging things we have tried as the gathering … and pleased to say it seemed to work.

I know we are supposed to thank God and all that because it is all about God and not 1975036_10152226474855211_990244496_nabout us …. but today …. right here and right now … I want to thank the amazing people of the gathering for being willing to try this out … yes God was there today … but without you amazing people we would not have got very far.

Thank you …. there are times when I am reminded what a privilege it is to be part of this community …. today is one of those days.

a post to remind us that we are marvellous!

Posted on by
Reply

main_shareLast night at RFS I watched Saving Mr Banks.

In the discussion afterwards I describe it as ‘a beautifully crafted film with some amazing acting which realistically showed a lot of emotion and pain as people struggled to let go of stuff from their past’

This was quite an emotional film and many afterwards admitting to welling up with tears at various places (of course … being a man i did NOT!) as the film prompted past memories that had not been fully dealt with. Seems this is an issue for many of us! The film shows very powerfully how past ‘stuff’ can influence our normal everyday backyard life.

This past year, probably 18 months, I have been coming up against stuff of my past. Some of this stuff has been painful but I have encountered it, immersed myself in it, stared it face on, and stepped out of it. I’d like to say I’ve come out better, but I am not sure I am at that space yet.  I think I’m close. I’m where I should be and that’s positive.

Sometimes I have laughed at myself as I’ve gone down those mental paths of the past where I have had to listen to those voices that told me I am worthless and good for nothing. I’ve laughed because, actually, I have no respect for those people or voices or my past and know they talk crap. I know their words are a lie. I know those words have no authority.

Other times I have frozen in fear, and found myself weeping, as I guess I start to consider some of this crap may … just may … be true. Spoken words are powerful, and no matter how resilient you are, they can have a massive effect on your self thoughts. When I worked for the Behaviour Support Service we knew that the children we worked with needed to hear a ratio of 8 positive comments  to every negative comment.

That sounds a lot … but why should it be? … why is that not a reality in our society? In a well informed ‘civilised’ society like ours … why is the norm negativity … when it could be so easily the complete opposite? I mean …. how difficult is it to be nice to each other, to tell each other how amazing and wonderful we are.

When I am challenged in this area I tend to find support from other words. I particularly find strength from the creation story in Genesis. God creates and says ‘it is good’. God creates humanity and says ‘it is very good’. I also find strength in these words from Psalm 139 …. when feeling alone or down, the words of this Psalm kick me up the arse basically and force me to take on board the truth.

So … following from last nights film … and realising how many people really are dealing with past shit due to others … and not looking for words of encouragement or platitudes personally (cos I already have 2 great friends who do that of whom I’m incredibly thankful) … I share this as some form of support …

Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you’re there!
If I go underground, you’re there!
If I flew on morning’s wings
to the far western horizon,
You’d find me in a minute—
you’re already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I’m immersed in the light!”
It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.

Go today … be blessed in the thought that you are marvellously made! Not because I say so … but because the One who created says so!

ash love

Posted on by
Reply

Just LoveLent for me this year started in my favourite school with some of my favourite people to work with, on the day of the week which if often one of the highlights, or favourites, of my week. I never wake up on a Wednesday and feel I don’t want to get out of the house … I can’t say that for everyday, but I guess who can!

For me, starting Lent in the real world, with real people who don’t necessarily do the God thing felt to be incredibly right and correct. I don’t use the ‘love’ word lightly because I firmly believe it describes an incredibly strong emotion. I also feel the word ‘love’ is overused and so has become devalued. It seems to me that if a person says that they ‘love’ everything then in reality they ‘love’ nothing. But … I love Wednesdays, and have done for the last year … as I get to hang out with some pretty incredible people.

Along with some people from the gathering I am following the Just Love Lent book from Church Urban Fund. I have committed to trying to write something with the gathering once a week using this book as  basis. This is this weeks posts and will appear on the gathering facebook page as well.

I have been challenged by some of what I have read in this weeks chapter. The first theme is ‘spiritual and embodied love’.

The book makes some pretty bold and challenging statements:

‘when we love we do not simply imitate God. We participate in God’s very life.‘

‘Our daily actions will form us more and more into‘ (actually the book says ‘should’ but I am not sure I hold with the should statement. I’m not sure I follow a Christ who ever tells me what I ‘Should’ do … instead I follow a Christ who loves me and marvels at what I do in response to that love – which is pretty amazing in itself as I do little! 

I love the concept, but am having a challenge getting my head around that first quote. When we love, say the writers,  … we don’t just follow God’s example, but we actually become part of God. Jesus showed us how to love, and he leaves a manifesto in Matthew 5. When we join in this kind of love, it is then that we join in God’s own life. 

The chapter ends with a challenging question… ‘how do we embody God’s love faithfully and generously?’

So … how do we …. comments?

the selfish giant

Posted on by
Reply

Conner Chapman in The Selfish GiantTonight I returned to the Picture Palace to see The Selfish Giant. This has been at the top of my ‘want to see’ for a little while. I was going to go to Southbank to watch it, or download ot from BFI, but was persuaded to wait for the Rochester Picture palace screening. (There will be no spoilers)

It was worth the wait.

I particularly wanted to see the film as I knew a little of the make up that intrigued me … the lead roles of Arbor and Swifty played by two lads from a tough Bradford estate. The gritty reality they bring is awe inspiring. The passion of the film is simply breathtaking with a mix of dry humour, fathomless unashamed affection and scandalous tragedy.

Despite it’s incredible acting and beautiful cinematography (I loved the breathtaking mist shrouded shots of imposing pylon landscapes) this is no easy watch. Be prepared to be shocked and quite ripped apart as, essentially, this is a film that is pretty Godless with no offer of hope or dreams of a better future.

But this film is still worth watching … just do so with a stiff drink at hand or a box of tissues or both!

calling shattered people …

Posted on by
Reply

Exif_JPEG_PICTUREWARNING: this is a blatant recruitment post … ‘if you have not felt a great desire to sign up to this by the time you have got to the end of this blogpost then you are either living a very long way away … or just in complete denial, and maybe really not listening to God’s call on your life! Which means you will miss out! Something will be missing from your life’s happiness!’ If you could hear my voice there would be sarcasm, and see my body language it would be jokey …. ok I don’t really mean that stuff (the bit in italics … just to be clear!) … but I wanted you to know before reading this that I am looking for people to get involved with one of THE most exciting things that I ever get to do as a pioneer!

This seasons boot fair dates have been announced. When I saw them late last night / early this morning my immediate emotion was one of excitement. I loved last seasons experience of running a stall for ‘spiritual seekers’ at boot fairs. If you look back to my posts of June and July last year you will see some stories … like here or over here or maybe here and other posts in that general date area.

As I read back over those posts I can sense again the real excitement and buzz laced with incredible awe at what God can do with people who just put themselves in the middle of a field to be used.

That was my immediate emotion. This was quickly followed by a sense of frustration and anger at myself. I have been talking about training and recruiting for such a long time, having ideas for development and thinking about names and … and… and … done sod all about any of it really! I feel like lots of time has rushed by and now I really need to pick up stuff and run to catch up with new people on the team, training and everything.

Not that I think there is a lot of training we can do (although saying that … we will run a training session of sorts for people who are interested). We are looking for people who just like to be around people and engage with them in simple normal interested human kind of ways. The best way to learn the stuff that we are doing is to come see and have a go, and get involved and be simply amazed that God has already prepared the people that God wants us to engage with.

I’m cutting and pasting from another boot fair post from last year …. and for me this kind of sums up the excitement and passion underlying why we do this:

… a friend summed it up in a short inspired sentence: ‘I like the fact that God is there with absolutely no religion to ‘help him out’..if you get me – just a field, and a few shattered people.‘

That says it all. The team are shattered after 6 hours of being ‘on duty’, but i think some of us arrive shattered after waking up at 5am! But …. the real exciting thing here is that God is simply there and waiting to meet with people. Ok we are using ‘tools’ to help us, but there is no dressing up or a drawing message. The one thing that unites all of the people we have engaged with is that God has been drawing them, speaking to them, connecting with them is some way that they have not really recognised or been aware of until they have stumbled upon us in an open field.

… those tools are The Jesus Deck, Psalm Readings, Prayer for Healing, Prayer Beads …. but in the main we are there with just a simple willingness to be there and support people in whatever way they need supporting!

This is really exciting stuff … and on a Sunday morning this is where I see God busily at work in the lives of real people in a real way that they can understand and relate to.

There are many stories we can share of how God engaged with people. As I read back over them … I sense something exciting, i know this is something that In really love doing and long to be involved in again, it’s genuinely something that I want lots of other people to experience as well …. because I believe everyone can do this type of stuff to differing degrees… and I believe many of us say we believe God is alive and working … but deep down we are unsure and we long to see evidence of that. Well … come to the boot fair with us and you won’t just see the evidence, you will be part of it!

Stories to show this from last year:

a man in his mid 20′s who chose a Psalm Reading  He said he was looking for guidance and randomly chose Psalm 27:1:
‘The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?
With a smile on his face mixed with a little confusion he remarked ‘this is for me; this is what I have been looking for!’
One of the team then prayed with that young man.

a team member prayed with a Hindu lady who wanted to make a prayer cord because, she said, ‘I know that Jesus Christ is the only person who offers me real forgiveness’

we spoke with a lady that wanted a Psalm Reading, then to be prayed for healing … but then the real reason for her coming … which was to talk about her dad who had died nearly a year ago

these are not major transformation or spooky stories … these are stories of real people with real lives simply needing to know that there is a real God that walks with them.

So … please get involved … email me, message me, call me, let me buy you coffee …. this is an amazing thing to take part in! You don’t ave to be shattered … but i suspect it helps!

I await your response …..

simple trust

Posted on by
2

IMG_1161Yesterday was a good day.

I caught up with Sister Diane, my spiritual director, and the new home of the Sisters of St Andrew in their new ‘pad’ in Gillingham. The new website is not up and running yet, and the centre is nearly ready to accept people on retreat as well as host people for away days … I could see the gathering may make good use of this space!

I particularly loved the new chapel … the pic I took do it no justice. The chapel is circular, with light streaming in from the point of the roof. I could have stayed and prayed their forever … well nearly!

My time with Diana is challenging and great as always. I shared some stuff with her that I have been mulling over … and I am always amazed at how this holy woman can cut right to the basic of stuff in seconds. I was particularly amazed today at her wisdom, understanding and ‘holiness’ which I do not use lightly.

Interestingly the 45 minute journey took two and a half hours as the Blackwall Tunnel was closed and caused a tailback. Although I arrived a little stressed, walking through the door seemed to bring an immediate calm. I guess that is why I love this community, and Sr Diane in particular, as they have a great and infectious acceptance of whatever may be which comes out of a deep and seemingly limitless trust of God.

And that was my message from Sr Diane today … just trust God … stop worrying about what may be …. trust God … don’t ask how you will achieve this …. trust God

So … I’ve been kicked back into shape by Sr Diane … and my task now is to gt out there and live a life that trusts God! Why is that so easy to run off the tongue when the reality is so arrrggghhhh!

time, vulnerability and grace

Posted on by
Reply

what's coming through the door?It’s been a bit of a key weekend with the gathering. We met again in the pub to talk more about our Rhythm of Life. It seems to be slowly taking shape. I think the speed that we are progressing at sometimes frustrates me …. but it is important that we get this right as this will be the trellis of our community as we use this to help us live our individual and collective lives as Christians in the 21st Century.

The aspiration we wrote together last night says:

‘To be a community that invests in friendship where all are valued, supported and cared for. We seek to be adventurous, open to each others creativity and give space to experience awe and wonder. The community will grow as we spend time together, so we will eat, drink and share together regularly.’

That sounds very much like us and what we aim to be as a group of people.

After the get together I got home and was on a bit of a ‘high’. As I reflected on this I realised that it was simply because I get to hang out with a group of people that I like and love loads. It’s a community where I feel I fit … and i think others have that feeling of ‘fitting’ and ‘being understood’ and simply ‘allowed to be who they are’ as well.

To grow as community we realise we need to spend a lot more time together …. both as small groups of friends and as the wider community together. This will be a massive time commitment that many probably do not have … but still we commit to this as our aspiration. As I look at the gospels, and see every significant time or event of Jesus is often set in the context of a meal …. then it seems to be the right and good thing to be aiming to do. I’m not sure why, but spending quality time together over a meal seems to have something sacred about it.

I think we also note that friendship, support, care,creativity …  are all words that describe things that require individuals to make themselves vulnerable and for the community to show grace. That excites me.

So … time, vulnerability and grace …. looking good!

commit to self!

Posted on by
Reply

imgresWe saw The Commitments tonight as a family. It was a pretty impressive show … i’m probably biased as it’s made up of a lot of music greats that I grew up with through school. It was also incredibly funny in places, which made it a ‘feel good’ kind of show.

I won’t give the storyline away … but I think the underlying themes are quite interesting and reflect a little of what I have been discussing with a few people for a little while. Interestingly, I think those themes are themes of accepting and being true to who are you along with a ‘commitment’ to doing the things that you enjoy and make you come alive.

I guess those two underlying themes could be described as the aspirations of many of us … to really honestly be ourselves and to do what we love doing. To link with other thoughts, both those require a pretty massive amount of vulnerability. Being real means being vulnerable … it’s much easier to wear our carefully crafted masks and pretend we are something that we are not.

On occasions, Richard Rohr’s thoughts just seem to drift in and gently bounce of the clouds of my thinking and add a little more substance. Today is one of those days as Richard Rohr writes:

Paul says it so well: “I shall know even as I am known” (1 Corinthians 13:12). In other words, you need to let yourself be known nakedly by God, no pretense, no dressing up. You are who you are who you are! No trying to make yourself something other than who you really are. All God can love is who you really are, because that’s the only you that really exists. All the rest is just in your head.

I can add …. that one person that Richard talks of as the person we really are, the only one that God can love …. well God already loves that person … completely. That’s real, unhinged, unstringed, decadent, elaborate, extravagant, foolish, ‘asking for trouble’ kind of love ….. but … hey … that’s the God I follow!