As I look back over the last week I find myself smiling at the variety of activities and reactions that I have been involved in.

The week started with a chapter meeting (a collection of local Anglican clergy and Church Army people for those who don’t understand weird CofE terminology) where Mark Beach, the Dean of Rochester, and ex-boss, came to talk about the relationship between deaneries, parishes and the cathedral. It reminded me how incredibly fortunate I was to have served my curacy at such an amazing place as well as feelings of jealousy over the fact that plans for the crypt and stuff which we have been speaking of for years are about to start. I am really looking forward to seeing the end result.

Tuesday was a day of contrasts, with me being in the prison in the morning  and then visiting our local MSM course in the evening. I have been invited to join the Mission and Community Engagement Department for a day a week, and some of that will involve me in helping to deliver the MSM course in the diocese. The course is held in the training suite of Bluewater, which is different, as was the journey to get there last Tuesday evening as the motorway was closed. The evening session was about teams and Jean and myself showed amazing team work as we used our knowledge of the Kent countryside to hop from village to village to find our way to our location. Well Jean shouted left right like a rally co-driver and I simply turned the wheel!

This led into the next day being a day of interesting emotions. Tom was 19 and it was his first birthday away from us, and reading his Facebook status showed us he was finding the separation as weird as we were. During the day I was chaplain at the school while  in the evening we licensed Richard England as the associate priest at St Marks, which was a good experience and fairly exciting as we look together as a team to see what God might have in store for us.

Thursday saw me planning with ministers at St Mary Magdalene Church (and I just realsied you can hear sermons from the church here) before driving off to Edenbridge to meet with Sister Diane, my spiritual director. I love Sister Diane’s outlook and patience. She listens and watches me and then it feels like she draws from this eternally deep well of spirituality and flicks droplets of amazing wisdom into my life which both refresh me and cause me to see things differently.

Friday is always a prison day. I deliberately do not write much about prison work here as I am not allowed to. I find the work moves me to tears on many days. I do not know what the alternative is, or even if there is one, but I struggle with the thoughts of a society that quietly accepts the fact that we lock away children. I do see, however, total dedication from the people working here to try and make a difference in these young peoples lives.

The weekend was pretty much taken over by snow …. even in the morning service at St Marks where I was pelted with snowballs from 3 children at the end of the service. That was a pretty unique and funny experience!

In addition I have spent time in cafes and pubs talking, or rather listening to lots of coversations and answering a fair few questions. It has been quite a busy old week!

So the reason for the run down of my week (if you are still with me) is two fold. One – I’ve been suffering from bit of a block recently and all the advice is just to write … anything …. and so if you have read then you have ‘suffered’.

The other reason … as I look back across the week I see the fingerprints of God. Not one experience above has an absence of God. God is not in some of those experiences above more than God is in other experiences. Despite what some worship leaders may say, none of these experiences above have resulted in me being further away from or closer to God; I may well actually have felt further away from or close to God, but I have not actually been so. God is here, right here living within creation. As the lectionary reading from 1 Corinthians 6 reminded us this morning …. we are part of Christ, the Holy Spirit lives within us … you can’t get any closer than that!

God in the ordinary everyday ‘stuff’ of life, an ordinary intimacy with the creator of the universe …. that’s pretty good news!

… from Rochester Film Society for this term.
Why not join us tonight, or any other Thursday to watch some great films and have a great chat afterwards with some great people …. oh and with beer!

The weekends are interesting in this new role, as I do not seem to be in one place for too long. That’s great for my ADHD/get bored easily outlook, but it’s not so good for my ‘needing time’ to build relationships with people.

The weekends are, however, great times to remind myself of the creativity and diversity of the church that I serve. Last night saw an amazing youth service in St Mark’s Church. I am privileged to have the role of working with Jess, the youth worker, and others in supporting the development of this service. After having not done youth work for such a long time, having that opportunity again is really like a massive breath of fresh air. The experience is reminding me how much I have missed working with young people over the last four years. Saying that, I would not with to do it full time anymore … but I enjoy this part of my ministry as it is.

In the morning I presided at both the 8am and 10am communion services at St. Mary Magdalene. This is a totally different setting to the youth service of the evening. far more traditional, far more recognisable and yet still such a privilege to be involved in. Serving people who are either seeking God (as one young family I spoke with clearly were) as well as those who are seeking to live out their discipleship in relevant ways is a real honour and privilege to be involved in.

Another great privilege I have is that the clerical, or dog, collar gets you places you might not normally be able to get, such as the hospital out of hours. I was able to visit a special friend and share some great experiences and stories. Special times don’t happen every day and so I love to treasure these moments.

The highlight of the weekend though was one of those father moments … being with my children at Muse on Friday night and watching the entire series of The Band of Brothers with Joe on Saturday … some things just cannot be repeated!

So … four those four words pretty much sum up the weekend …

Yesterday I experienced church as family, and it’s quite a humbling experience. It also acted as a reminder to me of how fortunate I am.

As an aside, for a few years I have experienced the ‘blogworld’ as family with a few friends here regularly offering encouraging thoughts and advice. This has been one of the things I have really enjoyed about blogging.

I think one of the things that enables this to happen in the blog world is the honesty and openness with which people write. Yesterday I spoke publicly in a vulnerable honest way … which is not something I would normally do. It was like I transferred my blog writing to speaking … not necessarily a good thing to do.

Yesterday I was surprised to be asked to speak at the end of the church service about what I was now doing. I was unprepared and unscripted.  I don’t like being unprepared and unscripted. It gets me into trouble! As I walked to the front I remember these words going through my head … ‘crap! God … I’m going to have to tell the truth!’ I had no time to prepare a ‘gloss’ to portray and speak from … and so my true thoughts, my real thoughts, were expressed.

I shared the struggles of my work. the frustrations, the fact that sometimes I really do not wish to be here. I shared that I wished I was still in Rochester! I shared I have no idea what I am doing, where I am going, or even if I have made the right choice in being here. Ultimately I shared I was struggling … and although I know this is an important stage, that a struggle nevertheless is hard to cope with. I shared that I wanted to say everything was going well and i would have loved to share some exciting stories …. but …  there were none to share.

Over the last 4/5 years I have developed a very strong thought that we do not talk in the church of the struggles of mission. We love to tells great feel good stories, but we avoid the gritty tensions that seem to undergird much of mission. I have a theory that this glossing over of mission, giving the impression that its all exciting  stuff results in people being shocked when they find out it is hard work. They feel they must be doing something wrong.   They then  become disillusioned and give up. But .. that’s another blog post for another time …

As I was speaking I was conscious of people metaphorically standing with me. After a few minutes people were literally standing around me, surrounded me and prayed for me. That’s fairly normal I guess but it was what happened next that really exhibited the family of St Marks.

After the service people, friends,  just stood with me. There were no words. People did not try to fix it. I have struggled when people try to fix something that is normal and not broken. No one said ‘it will be better soon’. People just encouraged me by accepted me by standing with me. Simple pats on the back, handshakes and hugs from my friends were worth millions of words.

Yesterday that was so important and it served as a massive reminder to me that I am rich in friends … not just at St Marks, but in other places around Medway (on Friday some of my Rochester Deaf Cat friends were equally amazing in their love and care as well) and further beyond too. I even have friends who encourage me via this blog that I ahve not even met!

I have been reminded of how fortunate I am. All I can simply say is thank you … thank you for reminding me of who I am.

I have been reading more of Developing Consciousness. Actually I ahve read a few more pages because the book really demands that I out it down, contemplate and put some stufff into action. After accepting I am in the right place, Vesey encourages me to become aware of what I am already aware of.

Vesey explains this by asking his reader ‘what does it mean to see? To really see, not just to look an observe, but to take in the marvellousness of sight. The miracle of seeing. Th wonders of colours, of light and shade, of shapes and contours ….we might really see if we are in exceptional circumstances, but most of the time we are just looking as to what is going to come next’.

My consciousness, my awareness, my ‘seeing’ seems to have become functional. I prayer walk a couple of times a week around Rochester. I remembered as I was reading Vesey’s view here that I used to take my camera on my prayer walk. Because I had the camera I noticed cours and shade, i heard birds singing, I was aware of smells … simply because I was looking, listening and sniffing them out. On my walks with my camera I saw a lot more, I noticed patterns, and came back with questions based on my observation and assault on my senses from everythign around me.

I have not had my camera with me for a little while, and I have noticed that I have been noticing less. My observation has become functional; I look to see where I am going, to avoid obstacles and to ensure a safe arrival. My journey around the streets of Rochester has become bland and sterile. It has become so, because I have stopped looking, listening and noticing.

The last 2 days I have attempted to wander in a more alert state and really notice what is around me. On the allotment I have noticed the smell of the fresh earth exploding as weeds are pulled up has filled my mind with the scent of promise and potential. On passing though the cathedral I have noticed the walls have come alive again as the sun and colour has danced from window to window and stone to stone, and been conscious that this has been so for hundreds of years, connecting me with those that have gone before, and those that will come in the future. In Deaf Cat I have noticed the combination of chilled tunes caressing my ears with the aroma of seriously good freshly ground coffee permeating my nasal passages enticing me to stay in good company that little bit longer.

The days have come alive as I have noticed the beauty of the completeness of God’s creation. Today has been such a rich day as I have noticed so much more beauty around me as I have used my sense to listen … really try and listen.

Vesey says: real wealth lies in our ability to appreciate our experience. I think he may have something there!

Following the ‘new era’ post yesterday you can read the new Dean’s installation sermon here over at his new blog, 604 and all that.

Two encouraging, challenging and exciting but realistic comments : ‘…So what is this place for? It is a place where all people, regardless of all the false and divisive barriers that men and women erect to protect themselves; where all people can gather, explore and encounter the things of God……This will not always be safe and it will not always be comfortable but by living in this way we will be true to the calling of Jesus, true to our Benedictine inheritance and will be living witnesses to our faith in both word and deed….’

But … go … read them in context!

So … my placement at St Stephens has come to an end. I say that with a tinge of sadness as I have enjoyed meeting and working with new people – there were some highlights of my time in a parish setting and there were some things, notably some residential care home ministry, where I was really taken out of my comfort zone and new instantly that this was not my calling. It was interesting to see in that experience, however, that those I was working with really were called to those care homes and worked under a massive blessing and ability from God. The love they were shown and showed to both staff and guests was simply amazing to see. Although this was not for me it was easy to see the power and importance of such a ministry. In the past I may have dismissed the importance of this – I will not in the future.

I guess if I were to pick highlights it would be working with different people on certain creative events. It reminded me that I love working with people who share ideas together in an attempt to produce something that will help us in our discovery of God. There were some very creative people at St. Stephens (although most of them would dent that they are) and I really loved the opportunity to work with them. I learned from them and hopefully they will have learned something from me – and that is not a fishing request for compliments!

One particular unique highlight of working with creative people was at a local school where I presided at a eucharist service.  Prior to this service the school chaplain had asked students to write things they were sorry for and these confessions were mixed in a bowl with flash paper. As I gave the absolution I lit the flash paper which resulted in a pretty amazing display of God taking away that stuff so we can lived renewed lives. The joy of working again with young people was a real pleasure …. this was not just chosen for the great photo opportunity! (although it does loo pretty cool!)

I experienced lots of good stuff on placement and the whole experience has actually helped a lot in sorting in my mind what I am called to …. there is no change in the pioneer outlook. In fact, the placement has done lots to cement with myself and others that pioneering is what I am called to … so the next step is just to work out how to do that now!

I want to publicly thank all at St Stephen’s for their generous hospitality of time love and energy …. it really was fun!