Monthly Archives: September 2012

I don’t know where I am going

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Today has been a bit of a reflection day. It hit me that I have jumped from one world of the cathedral and Rochester, over to the world of Gillingham and the prison very quickly, and I have had no real time to think about how to change my practice, how to prepare myself to start again and how to actually go about that whole thing of starting again.

The geographical closeness of the 2 places along with my familiarity with the Gillingham that used to exist means the temptation to carry on and just do what I have done on a daily basis for the last few years is quite a powerful temptation.

It may be right to start again in exactly the same way …. and that is what I intended to do, but last night I realised I had not really thought or prayed much about this. So today has been pretty much a thought and prayer day.

Today, in particular, I have found this prayer of Thomas Merton to be both powerfully challenging and warmly comforting in some way. These words help me to accept where I am, and give me the permission to rest in the knowledge that although I have no real idea what is going to happen, that I can be comfortable in that ignorance. Too often we feel pressured into acting, or developing, or birthing something new quite quickly and often too soon. So now, as I enter this time of reflection and listening and uncertainty, I draw strength from knowing not only have I been here before, but so have many others before me:

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. 

1st day

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Yesterday was a first day.
A first proper day of working in the prison.
A first day of wandering Gillingham High Street.
A first day of being a priest missioner in GIllingham deanery … whatever that may be.

My first day went quite well. Some highlights included sitting in the exercise yard with some lads and learning a little about their stories. Another was popping in the club in Gillingham for a drink with a friend and my dog collar on … there was a hush for a little while before they realised it was me!

Of course there were lows as well … the frustration and pain I could see in peoples situations. The hopelessness in the daily routines of so many. But with that hopelessness comes a desire to see change, and part of my role involves me in looking out for those people that wish to be involved in something transformational;  both personally and collectively.

The day ended with a pretty special experience when I got together with some young people and their leaders to plan a youth service. I’ve not done this in a while, but I am still smiling from the privilege of that creative experience. I look forward to working morre with this group as they try to create something different.

So … all in all a pretty interesting day …. I have to go now and do something similar all over again …. the beginning of a new work, I remember, takes a lot of time, repetition and patience.

I am golden!

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The gathering got together yesterday afternoon to think about our identities. After Sharon creatively got us to think about what society says about image and identity through collage and other things we listened to the words of Psalm 139 and were struck by …

Lord, you created my insides, you built me and put me together inside my mother’s womb. I will praise you because that thought is scary and is wonderful. The things you have made and done are amazing.

In our reverb time  we chatted around people being good at things and then it hit us that we had drifted from the point. One of the children earlier described himself as ‘golden’ in his collage and, and as we re-read the Psalm we realised how spot on he was. The Psalmist seemed to be reminding us that we are amazing, wonderful, created by God …. and, yes, golden not because of what we can or cannot do. We are golden simple because we are. It’s not about what we do, but it is about who we are. We are created amazingly. We are created golden!

In light of that, as we shared bread and wine together we used the words ‘become what you are‘ as we acknowledged our true identity in and from God our creator.

It was a pretty exciting afternoon for the gathering!

4 years on …

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On this weekend 4 years ago I was ordained in Rochester Cathedral. That experience holds as one of the most important and amazing days of my life, beaten only by our wedding day and being present at the births of my three children. The moment was captured by Peter, a good friend from Nailsea, in this sketch.

Four years have flown by, and it has been an amazing four years. The blog has been quiet this week as it has been, quite understandably, an emotional time as I started to leave. There were lots of people to say goodbye too and it has taken the best part of a week for me to catch up with everyone I needed to.

It has struck me that I have found the moving from this role to be particularly hard, uniquely so as, being a pioneer, I quite like change … thrive on it even! This toughness has caused me to reflect upon why leaving, in this instance, is proving to be quite a unique experience.

I need to say first, though, that I am in an odd situation that does not make a lot of sense. I am very excited, as well as daunted (as I was 4 years ago) about the new task in front of me. The thought of starting afresh in a new area is exciting and scary all together … but this time it is tinged with a massive sadness of leaving Rochester behind.

In my reflections I have wondered and have realised:
It’s not really about the city of Rochester, although it is very lovely and a wonderful place to work.
It’s not really about Rochester Cathedral, although it is a magnificent building and to start my ordained journey there has been the most amazing experience. I have done things there which I would never of had the chance to do elsewhere and not a day has passed when I have not realised how fortunate I was to be a curate at the cathedral.
It’s not about wetherspoons despite their massive choice of good real ale and cheap prices and the way they have welcomed and embraced pub theology.
Surprisingly it is not even about Deaf Cat which is by far the best coffee shop in Medway, probably the whole of te south east!

My sadness at moving has not been about any of these places  ….. it has been about the people I have spent my time with in these places, the people who have invited me into their lives and the people who I am incredibly lucky to now be able to call friends. It is these people that I will miss chatting with on a daily basis and it is these people who have had such a profound impact upon my life while I, in turn, have had the immense privilege of being able to listen and then share our dreams, our hopes and our struggles. Sometimes we have laughed together, sometimes we’ve cried together and other times we’ve got angry … and each was right in its time. Each of these friendships are very special to me and I will continue to treasure them massively. The only thing I can say is ‘thank you – you are amazing people!’.

But now, for me, the time has come when my focus must shift as my ministry and life look to be useful in a new part of God’s world. I move on taking special memories of special people and I thank God for those friends and experiences, and I look forward with expectation at how God will continue to bless us as I acknowledge again the sometimes gritty reality of Romero’s Long View…

It helps, now and then, to step back
and take the long view.
The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is beyond our vision.
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