Category Archives: seite

silence pt 2 … you want reality …. remove the masks!

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The silence has continued. Throughout the rest of the day I chose to do a little reading but mainly sit and listen while repeating the Jesus prayer as a mantra. As distractions came I acknowledged them, as Abbot Jamison suggested, and then returned to my mantra.

I the silence, the still small whisper of God became barely audible
I was reminded of what one of the retreat leaders had said earlier in the day.

God loves the real me.
The real thing!
The me that no one else sees.
The me I keep locked away in secrecy.
The me I conceal from others.
The me I hide from myself.
The me I run away from.
The me I wish wasn’t me.
The me no-one knows.
The me I don’t know.

In the silence
God made me aware
of the many masks
that I wear

The mask for family
the mask for church
the mask for friends
the mask for work
the mask for God
the mask for me

Multiple masks
Multiple identities
Multiple actions and reactions
for so long that now
I have to ask
‘will the real me step forward’

In the silence
Listening
The voice…
to discover your true self
to find your true identity
the real you
the real you that I know and love
you need to take courage
you need to remove the masks
and be the person I have created
the creature I gave birth to
your true self

The thought scares me, but I think this is a long process that God is calling me into. I feel God has spoken to me in the silence and through ‘Finding Sanctuary’.I look back and can see that I have copied identities that I see around me, popular ways of doing things, not unlike teenagers at school all wearing the same brand trainers to ‘look cool’ and thinking they are individuals expressing their creativity and right to choose. I don’t wish to look cool (can you look cool at 41?!) but I can acknowledge the same process happening. Instead of really tapping into my personal, God ordained creative life, I look to others. I guess we all do to an extent.

Thomas Merton said : ‘Many poets are not poets for the same reason that many religious people are not saints: they never succeed in being themselves. They never get round to being the particular poet or the particular monk that they are intended to be by God’ Jamison goes on to say ‘People fail to be themselves because it is easier to be somebody else’.

I think this ties in my (not) resolution to shine like stars.

Silence pt 1 … the unforgettable tune

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12 hours of silence and I feel strangely refreshed.
I’m rediscovering the old mantra
There was a terrible wind,
but God was not in the wind.
Then came an earthquake,
but God was not in the earthquake.
Then there was a ferocious fire,
But God was not in the fire.
Then there was a still small whisper …

I am finding God in the still small whisper
after only 12 hours
immersed suggests I’m powerless
saturated feels like an advert for low fat spread
this is different
this is like coming home
resting in passion
not just in presence

the coils of my DNA seem to resonate
with not a new song
and
not a forgotten song
but
a song that I have just realised
that
I have not sung for a little while

a song whose melodies
i enjoy
know deep down
understand little
but love massively

It’s like hearing a tune from school days on the radio
you know, that song you loved
but had forgotten.
you hear the tune
and before you know where you are
you are singing along with the words
word perfect

So perfect that
when driving
through a tunnel
and the radio loses the signal
you keep singing
and you smile
when you emerge
realising
that you kept in perfect time.

Such an unforgettable knowledge
is not learnt in lectures, books, talks
it is buried in the heart
and apparantly
it only needs a few notes
before it is awoken.

Silence at Emmaus

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My friend, Anonymous, is probably going to make some comment as this weekend I am going on retreat again. But its not a YFC retreat this time.

With SEITE training we have 7 weekends away each year, and one of those weekends is the course retreat which happens to be in silence from Compline Friday to Compline on Saturday.

I have no problem with silence, in fact I enjoy it, although I do think it is alien at meal times and you only need to look at someone slightly differently to produce a smile and stifled giggles. Indeed I am going to wear my new purple hoody with hood up so I can make no eye contact and can fulfill my duty to eat silently.

I am currently reading Finding Sanctuary by Abbot Christopher of The Monastery fame, as this is the book that the Moot community are reading at the moment. Interestingly in one of the chapters the Abbot asks the question ‘how long should you be silent to start with’. His answer is not 24 hours … but a very surprising 5 minutes!!! He does then go on the say that to achieve this 5 minutes will probably take around 15 but even so, I can’t help but think 24 hours is too long to move to from nothing.

My group is on worship duty so each of us has prepared a worship slot for the weekend. I get to do evening prayer tomorrow just after dinner and so have prepared a track and brief meditation to get us thinking about who we are and preparing ourselves for silence.

So a weekend of quiet is ahead … I feel even more guilty hat usual about leaving Sarah and the children. The Church of England … working at keeping families together!

Kent Pioneers and Communities

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I have a little project for April.
I wish to spend a day and visit a few Chritian communities and/or pioneers in the Canterbury / East Kent area, particularly looking at how they operate, how they started, how they work with pastoral issues, sacraments, worship and so on.
So … anyone know of people I could visit?

EOT and orthodoxy?

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Tonight was the last SEITE session for the year.
We did our Pelagius vs Augustine debate which seemed to go quite well.
We then went on to look at orthodoxy and heresy generally and on pondering I wonder about what is seen as orthodox.

Does orthodox mean everyone having to believe the same thing with no room for questioning? Is it about deciding who is in and who is out? Is orthodox thought for ever or can it change with age?

For example – Augustine seemed to think of original sin and new-born babies condemned to hell because he had a view of conception based on Aristotle’s thoughts; i.e sperm contained humanity and the womb was just a vessel for growth. So he believed, on which he based his orthodox thought, that all attributes of a baby were passed down from the male. An idea that we now know to be incorrect. With the knowledge we have today would Augustine have thought differently about this one part of his orthodox thought?

So can something that was an orthodox in an age, become unorthodox is another?

Time to think …

SEITE bishops

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We had a visit of bishops tonight at SEITE. For our assessments at the end of this term we have prepared letters in debate – this evening the debate was between Arius and Athanasius – don’t they look good!

What if … Pelagius had won the argument?

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I took a day off (!?) today to read and write.
I have looked at the Pelagian controversy and had to write a closing letter in a debate which we will be having in 2 weeks time. I, and 2 friends, will be Augustine debating with 3 others who are Pelagius.

It’s an interesting argument where Pelagius believes that as we were made by God he gave us the ability not to sin and that our salvation all depends on how we achieve. We are under obligation to lead sinless lives!

Augustine on the other hand argued that although originally that was the case, since the fall we naturally fall into sin and can only be saved by the grace of God. He days if we consider a pair of balance scales, the scales are weighted onthe side of sin as this is where we will naturally go. We, says Augustine, continually need God’s help. So, salavtion is not earned, but is freely given!

I’m now thinking through the significance of this argument for today.
It’s another ‘what if …’
If the church had agreed with Pelagius we would be leading pretty austere and frightening lives. Churches would be full of people who believed they did not sin, and that no one else needed to. Surely this would result in congregations full of judgemental narrow minded people who could not see their own failings because of their interest in the failings of others. Those that did sin would not be welcome and if they complained of difficulties would have been pushed aside due to their ‘feeble excuses’ in the words of Pelagius.

People would not be real. They would pretend everything was alright.
I’m now wondering if Pelagianism has disappeared after all!

Anyway – back to thinking of it’s sgnificance for today!

Arggh Hair Pulling!

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Great to be home after a long weekend – and good to be greeted by hug from my wonderful family.

Ups:
laughing and joking until the early hours with good friends
watching rugby in a local pub with Jeremy and Dave
listening to a very enthusiatic prison chaplain
learning new things about people
the food …. most unexpected!
smuggling a keg of beer into our room

Downs:
listening to 3 poor presentations
becoming more confused that before over the motivation behind chaplaincy
hearing no references to ‘mission’ from 3 out of the 4 chaplains
wondering too often ‘what am I doing here?!’
the keg never clearing

I reflect and pretty much think if it was not for the people in my year group, I would have pulled out what little hair I still have!

SEITE weekend

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I’m just off for the second SEITE weekend of the year at the King Charles Hotel.
The subject this weekend will be principles of pastoral psychology.
I might even get chance to dress up as the ecclesiastical supply people will be there! And then maybe I won’t as I’m sure I can find something else to do during free time on Saturday afternoon.

I often think my world is weird. In 24 hours I will have experienced 2 extremes of meetings, one with Rob Bell where we are challenged to re-think and re-paint our faith and try to discover what authentic Christianity could look like in this new time; and the other – training with an institution called the Church of England which seems to want to maintain everything it does and finds it very hard to think differently about its faith or practice.

It’s an interesting world to be in, and I am glad to be part of both because I can’t help but think there is a bridge to be made here that needs to be made.

My placement

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Today I caught up with Ian Mobsby from MOOT. I’m quite excited by the fact that I am going to be spending 30 or so hours on placement with this community. I’m looking forward to the struggles and delights that this is sure to entail, and I’m looking forward to being taken right out of my comfort zone in a way that will cause me to reflect and consider my future practice.