at the centre but on the outside

The last few days I feel I have been experiencing more of the cold shoulder of pioneering. I hope that doesn’t sound like a moany thing to be saying. I don’t feel saddened by this, I am not feeling I want it to be different – but I am acknowledging (maybe again!!) how lonely the pioneering role can still be, some 12 months in to things.

The last few days I have been sitting amongst the crowd in the pub but have had few conversations, eye contact or anything. I have noticed things bustling around me, with a few brief words here and there and yet it seems that I, sitting in the centre, sit in an area of calm – a bit like the centre of a tornado maybe.

When people come in they see me at the centre of groups of people and would assume that I am part of what is going on. But, although I sit at the centre I am not part, I am not included and so still very much on the outside.

I have chosen to sit in this place because reflections of the past few months led me to draw the conclusion that I have been invited to sit here so many times and that it was not natural to keep awaiting an invitation. The time comes, supposedly, when you know names and so if a table is empty then you sit on it.

Maybe I have been wrong in my deductions. Maybe my sitting at the centre is not helping and I should move back to the outside? But as I write that I don’t really think so as to go back to sitting on the other side of the pub all the time would send a signal that I no longer wish to chat ‘over there’. Maybe this has just been a quiet week after an emotionally draining day following a long time away and I need to be around for a bit more again and so I just need to wait some more to see what happens.

Tomorrow is another day and I look forwar to seeing what God brings along my path.

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