I’m back from my weekend away. Terry and Joe kindly cooked us lunch and so it was good to be able to unwind and de-stress and relax after what, in many ways, was an incredibly mixed emotional weekend.

I am wondering whether I wish to go ahead with this, and whether all this hard work is going to be worth it.

The people on the weekend, my course, with me are great. We chatted loads at the bar and shared experiences and learned from each other. Our lecture-ers are great too, with founts of knowledge and a desire to radically challenge and push us. I expect I may end up hating them for that quality that they possess so well.

The workload is massive, which I knew and expected, but I am seriously wondering now whether I can cope with it. Currently I have 3 personal assignments to do and 2 group assignments, plus reading and what seems like weekly homework. And what do I choose to do – blog!!!! Why aren’t I writing an essay or reading!?

I’m here writing and trying to sort out my thoughts in my head, I guess. I enrolled on this course as I know that God is clearly leading me along this route. I guess it is not just me – the church is backing me, as is my family, the diocese and I have had interviews with the Bishop selectors. So I guess I have to ask – ‘can all these people be wrong?’ Well, yes, I guess they can – but it would be a bit strange so I suppose I should carry on, or at least have a try and if I really can’t do it with work and family commitments; then that will be the time to think about giving u, rather than now.

In addition, the possibility of ordination 3 years down the road does not seem that attractive at this particular point in time. Again, I guess that is going to be a fluctuating feeling depending on my emotions of the time. If I’m honest the possibility scares me, not the actual thing, but where it means I might end up. I don’t feel called anywhere else other than Medway, and yet it is, although not unknown, at least a rare thing if I was to stay in the area should I be ordained. Now that I have written that line, the prospect excites me again – how fickle is the human heart!!!

This is confusing and today I have chilled and thought about my options in some detail. I guess I’ve been chilling with God. I’ve received no new bursts of light; I guess because I already know the answer and there is nothing else for him to say, other than to remind me what he did, that he is with me and that he is in control of the plans for the future.

So … I guess I am to look forward to 3 years of hard graft, mission placements, mission projects, theology books and essays …. accompanied with a bit less of my home church, football, family events and time with friends.

On reflection I do not know why I am moaning. Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice, why should those of us in any type of Christian ministry think we should get away without any hardship. I’m falling into the trap that I see some fall into: the trap of wanting the reward without putting in the graft, or the desire for the reward without willing to make the odd sacrifice here and there.

I have said to younger people over and over again that it goes with the territory – time to take on board my advice methinks!