Today I feel let down and with that I carry a great hurt. The pain is quite tangible, I feel like I have been stabbed in the gut, punched in the head and kicked to the ground.

For years we have invested in a person, been there to pray, been available to chat, shared our family, supported as much as we could, encouraged as much as we could.

Now we have been kicked in the teeth. Now the truth has been twisted. Now we have been labeled. Now we draw back. The person had a small issue and could not even face us with it, after 10 years of friendship! We were acting out of love, but I am confused by this reaction.

If this was a developing young person I think I would cope as you kind of expect to take 3 steps forward and 2 back. But this is a Christian adult who has been to my house on many occasions and who we thought of as a friend. Maybe they still think they are, but friends do not do that. Friends don’t complain about you to someone else. Friends are honest. Friends are direct with you. I wonder whether the friendship ever really existed. Was it always one-sided?

My words can’t express the anger, hurt, betrayal and sense of injustice that I feel.

I do fear the friendship will never be the same again.

I do fear I will now, for a while, be more guarded in choosing friends.

I do fear that won’t be able to be ‘Christian’ to this person when I see them next.

I ask ‘Why did I bother?’

I’m thinking ‘Maybe next time it will work better.’

written Tuesday 25th Jan

I wrote the above a few days ago – and it has been in draft wondering whether I should post or not. As I write this I am still wondering on that question. If I do, it will part of a cathartic process for me along with my underlying reason for keeping this blog and no other reason. I keep this blog for me, so I can reflect back over the year(s) and see what makes me tick, and how I have changed through my encounters with God, people and experiences. I guess the above reflects an encounter with a person which could result in a change in my behaviour or character, so I probably should post.

A few days later I feel that I should not have been so surprised. As Christians, Jesus warned us that we would be slated, hurt, put upon – and by those close to us. The cause of a lot of stress for Christians is, err …, other Christians! Why get stressed over stuff that God says is going to happen anyway! Seems mad when put like that.

I think if I change too much from how I work, and try to protect myself from others, that I would lose my style of ministry. I work through vulnerability. I have no desire to make a name, and to be honest if I really analyse my motive, I don’t really give a toss what people think of me. My motivation, my passion, my central drive in life is to see Jesus impact on me and on people (and probably selfishly in that order!); and to see peoples lives changed by an encounter with God. The way I have a little part in this is to make myself vulnerable and get alongside people and point out God to them or challenge them.

This means I will be slapped again – oh deep joy with fluffiness!!!!!! But I am going to carry on in that vulnerability, because through it I know that I will see God doing great things with people. Anyway, I don’t know any other way to work!