Its been a while since I wrote, well nearly a week in fact and I do apologise to my avid fans and readers – yeah right! (meaning i have no fans and readers not that I don’t apologise!)

My lack of writing has been due to 2 struggles. It would seem that at 39 I am getting old and tired. It was not until I got home from Falcon camp and slept in my own bed that I realised how tired I actually was. The camp took a lot more outof me than I thought it did. So, come the end of the day I have not really felt up to thinking or writing.

As I said that is only part of the reason.

The other part revolves around identity and being and all of that jazz. I start a new job with YFC on Wednesday. I am very excited, if daunted, about the role I will be performing and I know that this is where God wants me to be next. He has confirmed that in many ways; not least by persuading people, some I have never even met, to pay for half of my salary as all national YFC staff have to raise 50% of this.

Despite being excited and keen to get going in the new role I have been struggling. For all intents and purposes Gillingham YFC has been a big part of my life for about a decade. It was in 1994 that Sarah and myself had our first chat with YFC about setting up a centre in Gillingham. It was kind of weird as we were working for Holy Trinity Church Nailsea as youth workers at the time! But that’s another story.

Back to today and my struggles. It would seem that somewhere along the way my relationship with Jesus and my relationship with GYFC got entwined and a bit mixed up. This resulted, I think, in a self-identity of Rob as Director of Gillingham YFC rather than Rob as loved and accepted child of God. Follow that through and leaving GYFC, something on which my identity rests, produces an awkward and painful time. It has produced a variety of emotion which has brought home clearly to me that I thought too much of my job as opposed to being the person God has created me to be.

I guess there a number of reasons for this but I think the main one is that, despite what I know and tell others, I still feel I need to prove myself to God. I need to work hard and do everything plus 50% more that God wnats me to do. Or rather what I think I need to do to be acceptable. As writing the question does come – acceptable to God to acceptable to myself? I think that may be another long story as that sounds a bit like a hitting the nail on the head type thing.

So – while I have been processing all this the blog has taken a sideline. So, how am I feeling now that I am about to start with YFC tomorrow? It is hard to describe but I feel kind of naked in front of people and God. Not a nice image to give you with your coffee but a true one nevertheless. All the things that identified me in the working world have now gone and it is as if I need to start to put on new clothes. These clothes, however, need to be the clothes of Rob child of God. It would be a lot easier just to exchange my GYFC Director clothes for YFC National Ministries ones which I am not sure is the right thing to do.

Too often we tie up our identities in what we do rather than who we are. I guess while we do that it is easier to keep God at a comfortable distance as when we look at who we are we will be forced, eventually, to admit that we are honestly loved, accepted, children of God. But doing that means we allow God to free us from the stuff that prevents us being who we are, the stuff that makes us feel ‘safe’. I guess to start with thats scarey and uncomfortable – like feeling naked and wondering what to next and where to go.

I am going public here for a selfish reason I think. I want to ask a favour of those that know me and see me regularly who do not have enought to do so read these ramblings …. can you watch me and encourage me to be me. If you see my identity starting to become entwined with my new job could be gutsy enough please to point it out. I would find that really helpful.

Actually – I don’t think I am the only person that feels and acts like this. An accountability group that meets now and again to encourage each other could be good way forward. Any up for it?