The past two weeks while I have been thinking on the Kenya opportunity has been stressful and unsettling. I have agonised over stuff and listened to peoples thoughts and ideas.

On the face of it this looks like a great opportunity which should be grasped with both hands and run with. The fact that I could not get enthusiastic or passionate in any way about the grasping of this opportunity has concerned and worried me.

Yesterday, after lots of conversations and prayer I felt it right to say no to this opportunity. That may not make sense to some, but since making that decision and speaking with SOMA I have felt very ‘at peace’ in a way that I did before this opportunity appeared. Today I have been able to get on with stuff I know God has called me to without agonising over things.

In hindsight my initial reaction of excitement over being asked was quite quickly washed away in concern. I should have gone with that early gut reaction that this was not to be.

The lack of enthusiasm for it, the lack of desire to go, was, for a little while, outweighed by an overbearance of a feeling that there was a need here and that there was a need that I could fill. I had started to think that my feelings should be secondary and that this need had to be met. It then felt the correct thing to do despite all my emotions and thoughts telling me otherwise.

I share this for personal reflection and my own personal learning; I find it quite amazing to see how powerful a guilt feeling or a feeling of wanting to help can go against and be stronger than reason or other emotions that I would normally listen to.

I think it teaches me that I am still susceptible to this desire of wanting to help others and seeing gaps and wanting to be able to fill them if I can. It also teaches me that quite often my initial gut reaction tends to be a correct one. On other occasions when I have tried to go against that gut reaction things have not gone well. Sometimes maybe it is right to trust our personal God given instincts as it is through these that God often communicates with us on a personal level.

So … passing on a free trip to Kenya … that’s life!